Our passion is the Penguins, but in mid-July there literally is nothing Pens-related to talk about. So, we decided to take our holiday weekend in a different direction and give you a live-blog of Monday’s The Bachelorette on ABC. Enjoy.
This past weekend: Heard a rumor through a mutual friend that the as of yet undisclosed 4th member of GTOG is a hardcore fan of the Bachelorette and thinks that Ali is “genuine.” GTOG leadership has no official comment at this time.
7:56: Just realized the show is 2 hours long. I immediately regret this decision.
8:00: In the previews we are teased with the quote: “Some fairy tales you don’t believe. Then, they happen.” Tonight’s phrase-off will be between “fairy tale” and “connection.” “Connection” is a 2-statement favorite.
8:01: Still in the previews, we hear that tonight is the most important night of one of the bachelor’s lives. That should have been Ali’s warning sign.
8:02: Ali’s eyelash extensions make it impossible to actually make out with her. When she isn’t wearing them, I think they are used to measure first downs.
8:02: To begin the show, host Chris Harrison calls the 5 remaining bachelors into a public square in Lisbon, Portugal. Somehow, these guys are able to hear him even though they are standing 50 feet away. Have you ever been in a group with a tour guide and lined up 50 feet away from the guide while giant buses roar by in the background? Apparently sound travels well in Portugal. You could probably even fit Ali’s eyelash extensions in that chasm.
8:02: The guys enter their temporary apartment in Lisbon and are somehow surprised that it is nice. Have they not seen this show before? Aren’t they on the show?
8:03: Breaking news: Kirk thinks he is more compatible with Ali than Roberto.
8:05: Next time I go on a date, I’m going to spend the first 10 minutes talking about how happy I am to be on the date like Roberto did.
8:05: Roberto getting high marks from me for pretending to have fun while being “carefree” and taking “crazy” pictures in the promenade. High marks, indeed.
8:06: Ali’s first moment of naïveté: When Roberto is naturally inspired to dance in the middle of the sidewalk at the mere sound of music, Ali reveals that she thinks it will always be like this.
8:06: Ali breaks Walt Disney’s 82-year-old record by using the phrase “fairy tale” 4 times in 1 sentence.
8:07: “That’s what she said” moment 1 of 71,132: Ali wants to “close her eyes and take it all in.”
8:07: About a dozen kisses between Ali and Roberto on the yellow trolley…Ali’s tongue has yet to make an appearance.
8:10: I predict that Ali will feel like she gets to know the guys better when she meets their families.
8:11: Roberto asks Ali, “what are you thinking?” Ali responds, “nothing.” I buy that.
8:17: On the 2 on 1 date, more commonly referred to as the “C-block”, Frank, Ty and Ali just want to “be themselves” while flying on a helicopter to a castle in Portugal. This date is very reminiscent of when I rode bikes with my girlfriend to Starbucks.
8:17: The C-block begins with a reenactment of the helicopter chase scene in Mission Impossible III through windmills. Apparently Somerset, PA was a close second to Lisbon in the bidding to host this episode.
8:19: In 200 years, scientists will still be studying this episode to understand how a sunset lasted so long.
8:20: Understatement #1: Ali, while sitting down to a privately prepared meal with 2 near-complete strangers in a castle in Lisbon with 6 camera guys around reveals that she feels like she is in a “weird place.”
8:20: “Connection” makes its first appearance. Good to see you, old friend.
8:22: Ty says he thinks its “awesome” that Ali has “ambitions and goals” while defending his own family’s more “traditional gender roles.” He’s one step away from pinching Ali’s cheeks and saying, “women with goals are so cute!”
8:22: Do you think Ty’s necklace had to be kept in his checked baggage?
8:23: “Fairy tale” running away with tonight’s phrase-off.
8:23: In a cut-away to the 3 guys hanging out at the apartment, we notice that Ali and Kirk have the same bracelet.
8:24: Frank is hoping that Ali won’t have a problem with the fact that he lives at home with his parents. Good luck with that!
8:25: I’m trying to decide whether Ali’s facial reaction to the news that Frank still lives at home screams “I just found out I have cancer” or “I just found out I have cancer and an STD.”
8:26: Frank describes the look in Ali’s eye when he told her he lives at home with his parents as “it doesn’t matter to her.” I, on the other hand, describe the “awww” sound she made as similar to a mother’s reaction when her infant son discovers what his “pee pee” is.
8:26: Ali tells Frank that he’s everything she ever wanted but everything that she fears. Upon his follow up “what does that mean?” even Ali can’t explain.
8:27: In the teaser for what’s on after the commercial break, “fairy tale” is said. When they show that same clip after the commercial, does it count twice? I say yes.
8:32: Three days in Portugal, zero Portuguese people appearing on the show.
8:33: Date starts with Kirk. Over/under on length of sunset on this date: 2.5 hours.
8:34: While riding on the horse & buggy, Kirk exclaims, “this is so…..” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
8:35: “Fairy tale” with nearly a clean sweep over “connection.” In other news, these guys’ families just want them to be happy.
8:35: Ali has now been wrapped in a blanket on every single date at some point. Either she consistently underestimates how cold it is or these guys have the same motives for underneath the blanket as I did when I would bring blankets for girls to movie night at summer camp.
8:42: Naïveté moment #712: Ali tells Kirk that she is worried that she won’t be good enough one day. Kirk says that the thought shouldn’t cross her mind and that he genuinely cares about her. Ali eats it up.
8:43: We’re up to 18 minutes of kissing footage and still no tongue appearance. It’s like 8th grade all over again.
8:44: Cameron Diaz’s mother from There’s Something About Mary is singing as Ali and Kirk leave their dinner.
8:45: Kirk says, “if I get a hometown with Ali…” I’d like people to start using the term “hometown” to describe bringing a girl back to their apartment. “Hey man, how’d it go with that girl last night?” “I tried to get a hometown, but she wasn’t up for it.”
8:52: Ali is laughing harder at the Vespa than the audience at Borat laughed during the nude wrestling scene.
8:53: Ali speculates that Chris losing his mom is “somehow having an effect on how he lives his life now.” She is worse at holding back her laughter at her own statement than Jimmy Fallon on SNL.
8:53: Ali doesn’t think the relationship is getting to where it needs to be fast enough. I think this calls for a sunset.
9:00: Finally, Ali and Chris have a “moment” at the winery.
Ali: “Is your family big wine drinkers?”
Chris: “Yeah my Dad loves red wine.”
Ali: “Oh really?”
Chris: “Oh yeah…yeah.”
I can feel the chemistry through the TV set.
9:00: Chris and Ali are so completely on the same page that after he finishes her sentences, she re-finishes them.
Ali: “How do you feel about me possibly meeting your family? I feel like it’s a huge…..”
Chris: “It is a huge step.”
9:01: “Connection” is coming on strong. 30 minutes to go.
9:01: Quick tip for you Chris. When you break out the “when I’m around you, I just smile” line, you may not want to have a look on your face like you’re about to get hit by a train.
9:02: Chris gives Ali a “Dennis” bracelet. I think that’s actually called a “Kirk” bracelet.
9:11: Our 48,964th “that’s what she said” moment: “I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard.”
9:12: During the rose ceremony, Ali is handling the roses like forensic evidence on an episode of CSI. Is she really this conflicted or just distracted by bright colors?
9:14: When Ali asks Frank if he will accept the rose, his whispered response “of course Ali” sends me running to my closet to get a sweatshirt to fend off the douche chills.
9:15: For some reason Sanjay Gupta is going by “Roberto” on this show and gets the second rose. The third rose is given out to Chris and we are down to Kirk and Ty. Most viewers are probably able to realize that because there are only two contestants and one rose left, it means one of these final two guys is going to have to go home. Just in case we didn’t get it, Chris Harrison comes in to clarify. Ali looks genuinely grateful for the clarification.
9:15: Ty is out. Bars in Northern Virginia breathe a sigh of relief as they expect revenues to turn around with Ty’s reappearance.
9:16: Unrealistic moment #716: Ali standing in the rain to make a pouty face while wearing a bright white dress and her hair curled. Has anyone ever been on a date with a girl who did her hair beforehand and willingly stands in the rain longer than is absolutely necessary?
9:18: “Journey” makes its first appearance of the night while Ali’s face is setting the record for longest unbroken pout at 36 minutes, only 4 hours short of the length of the average sunset in Portugal.
The Jake and Vienna Sit-Down Interview
My DVR was giving me problems here, so this isn’t time stamped. Blame Comcast, this country’s second-worst company behind only freecreditreport.com.
Chris Harrison tells us that it is with “a certain degree of sadness” that he is forced to give us the Jake/Vienna interview that ABC has been promoting for 6 weeks on every magazine cover. Harrison tells us that the two are hoping for closure from this appearance. I don’t know about you, but I certainly expect this to be the end of it.
Jake is in a “confused emotional state.” That’s the same phrase Artistry has been using to describe the direction of GTOG.
Chris has now brought up this dinner with Vienna and Jake twice. Can we hear more about this? Was it at a palace or a castle? Did they take a helicopter or a horse and buggy? Did anyone feel a connection? Did someone’s walls come down?
Vienna says that the relationship started changing after a month. Chris asks the obvious follow-up, “what changed?” to which Vienna replies, “our relationship.” I feel for you Jake.
Chris provides us with a recap of Vienna’s response: “So…there were problems with the relationship.” Thanks for that Chris.
…and Comcast destroys everything by completely blacking out. 25 minutes of footage lost. I don’t know whether I’m happy or upset.
Jake, you just yelled at her for interrupting you because she made a crying sound. Ease up, there.
Jake accuses Vienna of cheating on him with her eye shadow.
Chris says the interview will continue momentarily as Vienna is hyperventilating in the bathroom. Not sure there is much left to say at this point.
Just saw preview for “The Bachelor Pad.” Is it possible for a show to be guaranteed awful and guaranteed amazing at the same time?
The only thing we really learn from this interview is that Jake and Vienna lost each other along the way. Sounds like closure to me.