The Bachelorette Finale Recap: A Retroactive Conversation

By Artistry and Finesse

It was with a mixture of relief and pure relief that we took in the final chapter of Ali’s Bachelorette journey last night.  The NHL season really cannot begin soon enough.  Without further adieu, please enjoy “The Bachelorette Finale: A Retroactive Conversation.”

Artistry:  Wow, this is really not an emotional rollercoaster. It is not even an emotional Zamboni ride.

Finesse:  It is something beyond like watching paint dry.  It is like watching paint that has already dried.
How do you think this going to go?

Artistry:  Easy one. During her ongoing and mind-numbingly boring off-camera narration, Ali refers to Chris as someone who “would really fit in with my friends,” who she “respects,” who is “such a good person.” Contrast that to the way she is practically trembling in Roberto’s presence. I think she loves him with her whole heart.  Wait, Roberto is now stroking Ali’s mom’s hand ever so tenderly.  Your thoughts?

Finesse: The family is definitely giving its “blessing” to both Roberto and Chris.  It would be really shocking if her parents say something like, “that Roberto is great, but Chris?  What a douche!”  Instead, we’re getting the predictable, “It’s up to you.  Ultimately it’s your decision.”  I think the more compelling component of the family’s “blessing” is the remarkable degree to which every person on this show treats emotions, feelings and ideas as if they are tangible objects.  Roberto, Chris and Ali are treating the family’s “blessing” as if it was something that is physically handed from one person to another.  At one point during lunch I thought I heard Chris ask Ali’s dad to pass the blessing.  Ali also spends a lot of time with these guys trying to “see if there is a spark” as if people who date and like each other actually catch on fire.  And the most egregious examples were the billion times Ali said she was there “looking for love” and “hoping to find love.”  I think she got love confused with the Afikoman.

                                                   

The conversation continues – at great length – after the jump…


Artistry:  And Roberto and Chris are confusing any conversation with Ali’s dad with something that should make them in any way nervous.  Note to producers: no amount of ominous music can make this guy intimidating.  To sum up, here is how these “serious” conversations went:
Ali’s Dad:  My first question to you is, how do you feel about Ali?
Chris/Roberto:  I didn’t know what to expect from this journey, but everything changed when I stepped out of the limo.  I saw Ali and realized that she is an amazing woman.  She squeals like a small animal when she sees me, and there is really nothing better. It’s like, amazing.  You know? Ergo, I’m wondering if I can have your blessing.
Ali’s Dad:  Do you love Ali?
Chris/Roberto:  Totally.
Ali’s Dad (to Roberto):  I don’t see a problem with that.
Ali’s Dad (to Chris): I would have no problem giving the OK.

Finesse: I can’t tell if Ali’s dad is giving his “blessing” or approving expense reports. Let’s just say that I wasn’t surprised when he exclaimed, “I used to be a high school physics teacher.”  It’s also difficult to follow what Ali is saying.  At the beginning of the episode she said that she never imagined that she would be in a place like Bora Bora only to reveal moments later that it has always been her dream to fall in love at Bora Bora.

Artistry:  Part of her psychological “journey.”  That journey, much like her “Bachelorette” “journey” takes some unpredictable twists and turns.  Roberto, narrating, just acknowledged that “there is potential that this amazing journey ends with heartbreak.”  It’s almost like these guys are reading from a children’s book.

Finesse: There was no point in staging a “phrase-off” tonight, because journey started the show like the Patriots in 2007 when they went 17-0.  But what surprised me about the “journey” metaphor was that it wasn’t just Robert, Chris and Ali who were using it.  We heard it from Chris Harrison (the host), Ali’s father, mother and sister, and even the ring guy.  The show should have been on the Travel Channel.  One last thing about it – I’m not sure if you caught the rookie mistake made by Ali’s brother.  When he was sitting with Chris and Raya (Ali’s sister) at the pool, he asked Chris, “This has probably been a crazy experience for you, no?”  Doesn’t the brother know that this is a journey, not an experience?  You just can’t let mistakes like that happen.

Artistry:  You really can’t. Speaking of rookie mistakes, am I the only one who thinks Chris kisses like a seventh-grader?  The way he closes his eyes and opens his mouth, it’s not seductive.  He’s like a vacuum cleaner.  On some level, Chris may be aware of this deficiency, as when he greets Ali he tends to go for the hug, not the open mouth attack.  Mrs. Artistry weighs in:  “Chris has no shot.”

Finesse:  He seems like a likeable guy, but I find it strange that his mother always told him to look out for rainbows.  Kind of odd, no?  My mom always told me to look out for oncoming traffic.

Artistry: Looking into the camera, Roberto issues a reminder:  “It’s been an amazing journey.  It would be devastating to go home at this point.”  The producers quickly follow up with a gratuitous Roberto shower scene.  If this guy is going home, he’s going home naked.

Finesse:  One thing Ali is really looking for in a man is someone to make her feel safe and protected.  Is Roberto that man?  Maybe.  I think the more interesting question is what threats are constantly looming over Ali that she is so concerned about her own personal safety.  Is she under attack?  What is the constant danger here?  Did she get Bora Bora confused with Tora Bora?  To help figure this out, I created the “Ali Hometown Security Advisory System.”

Artistry:  Roberto should really propose in his minor league baseball uniform.  Let’s bring this thing full circle.  Mrs. Artistry, looking over at me typing away, puzzled:  “What are you guys going to say about this?  It’s such a good show tonight.  There’s nothing to make fun of.  It’s clear they’re all there for the right reasons.”

Finesse:  To find love. 

Artistry:  There has to be something at the end of this rainbow.

Finesse:  Here comes the proposal.  Ali’s hair extensions look magnificent today.  They are glistening in the sun.

Artistry:  So is Roberto’s upper lip.  This is the first crack in his facade of perfection, and it comes at an inopportune time.  Never propose with a sweaty upper lip Roberto, come on.  Ali does not seem bothered by this, and neither does Mrs. Artistry.

Finesse:  Ali is showing a lot of faith right now. A lot of courage.

Artistry:  Roberto nails the proposal, sweaty lip be damned.  The Ali voiceover machine kicks into overdrive:  “Fairy tales were always something you saw in movies or read in stories…I don’t think it’s possible to love someone until you give your whole heart to them…Nothing could change my love for Roberto….There is no doubt in my mind.” 

Finesse:  But there was doubt in her mind like 5 minutes ago, when she told Chris she didn’t know what to do. 

Artistry:  Another psychological detour. On the journey. 

Finesse:  Do you think Chris has the chops to be the next Bachelor or is he too shaken from letting his walls down and having his worst fear – being hurt – actually happen?

Artistry:  I think Chris is grateful.  There were a lot of “thank yous” during that breakup discussion.  Important lesson there.  Be polite on your journey.  Does this show tell us anything about society as a whole?

Finesse:  Probably, and it’s probably something negative. It’s sad that we no longer hear phrases like, “when I first met you.” Now it’s, “when I first saw you step out of the limo.” And for a lot of younger people, it’s probably “when I first saw you sign online.”

Artistry: What is the show missing (other than entertainment value)? Is there something that they could have done better?

Finesse: I was wondering why they don’t show more of the interaction between Chris and Roberto – that could actually be interesting. They should force them to go out to dinner and have awkward conversation (or as Chris calls it, “conversation”). It would be like the Al Pacino-Robert DeNiro scene in Heat with the “I respect you but given the opportunity, I will kill you” vibe. They should also make them stay in the same house so when one of them is on a date with Ali, we get camera shots of the other one waiting to see if he comes home or stays at Ali’s.

Artistry: We need to wrap this up, so can you give us some of your other favorite moments from tonight’s episode?

Finesse: It’s difficult to just give a few.

  • Roberto in response to the 100ft hello gimmick: “let’s speed up this process.”
  • Ali: “Kissing Roberto in the rain is the most magical and romantic moment in my entire life.”
  • As Roberto was describing his experience in the rain with Ali, he confessed to Ali, “I was speechless the whole time, I don’t know if you noticed.”  Roberto, I don’t know if Ali notices, but we sure did.
  • As Ali is contemplatively staring at the water like it’s a Magic Eye poster, I turn to Poise and say, “This show sucks so bad.  This sucks so bad.”  He shakes his head and just says, “terrible” then picks up his Blackberry.
  • Right before the Rose Ceremony, Roberto reveals to the camera, “I have never done this much thinking in my entire life.”  No kidding, Roberto.  He also said, “I was thinking all night last night.”  To Roberto, apparently thinking is a discrete activity.  “Ok, I have to go think now for an hour, I’ll be back later.”
  • On the After Show, Chris the host says he has been asked “thousands” of times since the end of the show, “If Frank didn’t do what he did, would Ali have given him a rose?”  Boy am I glad I’m not Chris Harrison.   

What about you, Artistry?  What did you think of “After the Final Rose?” 

Artistry:  For the first time since Jake and Vienna, I’m thinking these crazy kids might just have a shot.

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20 thoughts on “The Bachelorette Finale Recap: A Retroactive Conversation

  1. Dear Mr. Aristry — I'm glad you noted Chris' kissing deficiency. Clearly, you weren't just watching casually to pick up on things like that. As such, I have a question for you: given that Chris lacked the sexual and seductive characteristics that meshed with Ali, would the show do better in connecting soul mates to have a kissing contest before the first or second Rose Ceremony? To get those with no chemistry off earlier? Great guy, wonderful family life, etc, is all great, but if you don't mesh in the primitive ways, should you be one of the final two? What do you think, Mr. Aristry? What does Mrs. Aristry think?

  2. Does anyone else think this is better than Reality Steve? I am a dedicated RS reader, but this is hilarious. It captures the absurdity of the show. I'm definitely bookmarking this site.

  3. OMG, this. is. hysterical. Just … amazing. I love RS too, but this just has such style and wit! And the alert system was completely brilliant! (Oh, and by the way, coming from a woman– Roberto was sweating TERRIBLY the other night. It wasn't a hard thing to notice; I doubt there's any jealousy involved here.)

  4. My fave: I think the more interesting question is what threats are constantly looming over Ali that she is so concerned about her own personal safety. Is she under attack? What is the constant danger here? Did she get Bora Bora confused with Tora Bora? To help figure this out, I created the "Ali Hometown Security Advisory System."I too, was wondering the same thing. Also, why does she talk about "giving up everything for love" so much?!! It's not like she's not getting paid to be there!

  5. Great point about the "giving up everything." It's really a ludicrous statement. Here is what another contributor to this website (Eloquence) had to say: Major letdown: the guy in love with another girl left early, Ali was decisive by letting Chris go before rose ceremony, and Roberto reciprocated without hesitation.And let me vent for a moment with an open letter to Ali.Hi Ali — First, congratulations. I'm happy for you. America is happy for you. But two things I want to get off my chest as I watched the finale.First, it was a bit tiring to hear you repeat "I gave up everything to be here." I understand that, but it was for you. Everything we just watched was created for you. All of it. For you. Generally, giving something up — also known by some as sacrifice — means you did something you didn't want to do for the greater good, for another person's benefit, gave up personal gain elsewhere, etc. We get it…you gave up a good job. But seriously, you gave that up to travel around the world on ABC's dollar and be the center of attention (and run the bases with Roberto).Secondly, I don't get how Frank is selfish. What he did to you, you do every week: You tell one or more persons that you like other person(s) more, and then Chris Harrison tells the less-liked person(s) to go home. Frank didn't play the game and you got upset even after you had selected Roberto. Ali, we expected more from you and I hope you can provide the courtesy and reply here to my concerns. It's the least you can do…I gave up everything to write this comment.

  6. Well….if Ali thinks Frank is selfish, then she must be too. Didn't she do a 'similar' thing to Jake by staying for quite a while and then ditching him to go back to her job…. ONLY to call him back up and ask to come back??? Really? Who's the selfish one?

  7. Honestly "Artistry" or whatever your name is, how could Ali not be considered selfish? She was just as unfair toward Frank as he was to her. If Nicole breaks Frank's heart then I hope he gets to come back as the Bachelor because he deserves to find love.

  8. Ali is SUPPOSED to be eliminating guys. It's all part of the show. Guys coming on to be chosen– or not– by the bachelorette are not really playing "fair" if they have girlfriends –or exes– back home that they still have feelings for.

  9. Three items to be highlighted:1) Ali must have been paid ABC to say that Chris was an "unbelievable man." She practically could not say anything else except that Chris was an "unbelievable man."2) Ali's father's reaction to the fact the two dudes who he doesnt even know just asked for his blessing to marry his daughter. Now I am not a father, but I certainly would be asking a lot more questions and figuring out what kinda mix my daughter has been getting into. I think I would ground her for at least 2 weeks.3) You think Chris is upset right now while chilling in Vegas or South Beach with girls lining up to meet the "unbelievable man."In other news – Sather just offered Chris $10 million for 3 years to be an "unbelievable man" in the Rangers locker room.

  10. I agree Ali's father did not ask enough questions. I thought Roberto was ridiculous asking Ali's mother what can she tell him about how to keep her daughter "happy"! Of course he is only 26 and never married – so he has no clue that happiness is a "do-it-yourself project". No one can "make" another person happy. Oh and Ali's requirement that her husband love her "unconditionally" and always stand by her "no matter what" clearly shows HER naivete and immaturity. Adult love is conditional. The only UNconditional love is the love a parent has a for a child. Adult love and respect has to be earned. If you stand by your spouse if she does something atrocious or horrible you are a fool.

  11. Haha, enjoyed the comments by Eloquence about her "giving up everything to be here." Everytime she said that, it seriously made her come across as a naive, petulant child. Gave up what, exactly? Some entry level position at Facebook (that she'd already left to be on The Bachelor, and then went back to, and then tried to leave from again but didn't because Jake wouldn't take her back?) or the numerous famewhoring opportunities that she would have access to post-Bachelorette? Ugh. I hear she's already signed with some agent, and possibly gotten a nose job since the show ended. I honestly liked Roberto and Chris and thought they were both too good for her honestly. She needs to grow up — not much has changed from her days last season of whining about and tattling on Vienna.Now *I've* given up everything to write this note… 😉

  12. YES of course she wants a man to be her daddy. Ali's requirement that her husband love her "unconditionally" and always stand by her "no matter what" clearly shows HER need for that as well as her naivete and immaturity.

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