For example, look at Ashley and Natalie’s disparate takes on the kissing competition challenge in Episode 3. Ashley was torn about whether to participate in tongue kissing like 8 dudes in a row, explaining, “I’m a high school teacher. I don’t want to lose the respect of my students.” See, she was clearly there for the right reasons. To, uh, earn the respect of her students. Natalie, on the other hand, admitted, “I would make out with everyone in this house for, like, 20 bucks.” Hey now. Wrong reason.
Take Jake Pavelka. He went from America’s favorite gentleman pilot on Jilian’s season of the Bachelorette, to the most boring, stiff, and wrongheaded Bachelor ever, to being exposed as a rage-aholic nutjob on a primetime television special, to an incredibly awkward dance competition judge on the Bachelor Pad finale. That’s kind of like when the Denver Broncos traded a 2010 first round draft pick to Seattle for a second round pick, then traded the guy they took in the second round to Detroit for a seventh round pick (this actually happened).
|It’s Been Quite a Journey|
You never know when it might come under attack. Ask poor Tenley, whose walls came crashing down in the face of a full frontal assault by Kiptyn.
|Heart = Open|
When in doubt, it never hurts to break out the trusty Ali Fedotowsky Hometown Security Advisory System. Excellent resource.
This point was perhaps best illustrated back during a “one on one” date between Jesse B. and Peyton. As he maneuvered his lady in the direction of the fantasy suite, where all of their dreams would be realized, Jesse let slip an enormous belch. “When a guy’s burping in your face,” Peyton reminded us, “that doesn’t really make you feel special.”
This was made plain during the “pop quiz” episode, as the producers treated us to a competition where contestants had to answer some deep questions including, “Who is the dumbest girl in the house?”, “Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride?”, and “Who has the worst boob job?” Really, I hope the youth of America tuned in for this one.
Kovacs: Do you want to get naked? If you do, that’s cool. Whatever. Is that awesome? Or is that…
Elizabeth: Well it’s awesome if we’re in love and we’re making love…
It’s also about up and connecting with people on something more than a superficial level. Like the time in the finale when Louis, an instructor from Dancing With The Stars tried to teach Dave and Natalie to cha-cha: “Do you guys have sex in ze house? Because that’s what cha-cha is.”
Or so the contestants breathlessly reminded us last night during the dance-off, seemingly unaware of the irony that we were spending 120 minutes watching this show.
11. Don’t be cynical.
Why wouldn’t they stay together?
So, you may be wondering, did Little Artistry end up watching “Bachelor Pad” or not? Let me answer that question with another question: What kind of parents do you think we are?