By Finesse and Artistry
Who knew that: 1) being a handsome man put up in a Beverly Hills mansion; 2) with an Aston Martin to drive around 30 women, a large percentage of whom are beautiful, a larger percentage of whom are crazy, and an even larger percentage of whom have enhanced assets; 3) with your one task being to take them on uncomfortable dates that both you and the women convince yourselves that you are responsible for setting up and designing, despite reality and common sense dictating otherwise; 4) with these dates predictably have the same effect on the women’s hormones as that particle accelerator in England…could be so…..terrifying?
Well, to our Bachelor Brad and many of his plastic suitors, this journey leaves them racked with fear and makeup. In no particular order, we learned that: Brad is scared that these women have doubt; two women have fear that they have doubt; that Brad is nervous; that Brad is scared of his father; Brad’s greatest fear is ending up alone (an underdog choice, defeating “being around Melissa” which was the favorite at 2:1); Brad is scared that Jackie didn’t have enough sex in college; Brad is scared that “Jackie is cautious”; and that Brad is scared about letting his walls down.
Thankfully, the producers brought out the one couple who knows all about feeling scared, vulnerable, and in need of protection — Ali and Roberto. In their eternal glisten, these two were tasked with interviewing each of the remaining women to determine, of course, whether each was here for the “right reasons” or the “wrong reasons.” This is like bringing Bill Walsh back from the dead to talk about the west-coast offense.
|We miss Ali.|
Unfortunately, the producers decided NOT to show us the advice that was given by Ali and Roberto to Brad, maybe because Roberto couldn’t keep a straight face or maybe because Ali looked…ummm…worse? (Our trained eyes were able to determine that Ali has no patience for Melissa’s crying). Skeptics would tell you that Ali and Roberto couldn’t possibly evaluate a woman’s “reasons for being here” in a 2-3 minute meeting, but those skeptics don’t have Roberto’s skill in crafting all-encompassing questions, such as “How do you feel about Brad and like being here and this whole situation and all the other girls kinda being there going for the same guy?” That about covers it.
Aside from fear, Monday’s episode had several other themes, but we only have time to hit a few.
– Theme: Raichel’s insults of Melissa that we will incorporate in our daily vernacular. As Melissa continuously followed Rachel with an ‘i’ around the three or four different pool decks on each of which Brad led the group in a “cheers” to “getting to know each other,” she abrasively berated Raichel for, yes, being abrasive. This caused Raichel to respond by saying:
- “You are like a toxic disease to me on this, like, journey”
- “I need to move. I do not need you to, like, obstruct the rest of my life.”
– Theme: Chris Harrison. He is the rock of this show, the “glue-guy” if you will. Undoubtedly the best part of the show is when there is one rose left and Chris somberly comes in the living room to make clear, “Ladies. Brad. Final rose tonight.” Gets me every time.