[Also check out this week’s traditional Bachelor recap by Artistry here]
GTOG is a News Magazine, and, much like our colleagues at the New York Times, we like to occasionally embed one of our reporters right in the midst of “events on the ground.” So last night, I embedded myself amongst a group of Ladies who are devoted fans of the “Ladies” on ABC’s The Bachelor to get a sense of what it must be like for regular Ladies to endure Brad’s Journey to find love and make the “Ladies” feel like princesses. What follows is my account of the evening, during which no one felt like a Princess and/or Cinderella…
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AMERICA
On Monday night, 4 Ladies gathered with a lone gentleman (and this reporter) to watch the latest too-long installment of ABC’s The Bachelor, chronicling Brad Womack’s Journey to Find a Wife, on which he throws both caution and knowledge of the competitor’s names to the wind. The evening began with the four Ladies wishing the lone gentleman a Happy Birthday, despite his birthday not being for another week. This reporter steadfastly refused to wish this man in his late 20’s a Happy Birthday, given that week-early birthday wishes violate my Life Rule #2. For those curious, Rule #1 is “Speak to all pets and babies like adults.”
|“What do you guys think about what’s happening in Egypt?”|
Our evening began with “a cheers” (as Brad would say) to the Bachelor and my reminder to the Ladies that everything they said was subject to reproduction on this site. The Bachelor episode began with the “Ladies” being flown to Vegas where Michelle pondered, “We don’t know where we are going.” Despite 10 seasons of shows, common sense, and reality dictating that they shouldn’t expect otherwise, the “Ladies” were taken aback by how nice their hotel room was. Lady #1 at my viewing party remarked that one of the “Ladies” had nice implants, which, for me, did nothing to narrow down either the woman or the body part to which Lady #1 was referring.
More observations from the Ladies after the jump…
Brad then took Shawntel on a “shopping spree” which triggered an audible groan among the Ladies I was watching with because they are smart and realized that Brad wasn’t paying for these clothes, a small detail seemingly lost on Shawntel. Nevertheless, after watching 6 minutes of carefree shopping highlighted by Lady #2 exclaiming, “Ohh!! Fendi!!,” the Ladies convinced themselves that despite him having nothing to do with the shopping, it was still sweet of Brad to take Shawntel. The Ladies were, however, skeptical of Shawntel when she declared that she was beginning to feel “real love” toward Brad. Oh, and they also think Marissa is a Jap.
|This “Lady” has no fans among the real Ladies|
Later that evening, as Shawntel was talking about embalming fluid with Brad, Lady #2 took personal offense to Shawntel’s hair style, remarking, “She’s gotta Snooki-poof that sh*t. I’m dying to give her some volume.” Brad opened up to reveal to us that Shawntel is the hottest funeral director he has ever met, leading to Lady #3 angrily scowling at the TV, “DUH! How many funeral directors have you met!”
Meanwhile, given that Shawntel was now feeling “real love” for Brad, I was left wondering when her and Brad would have the difficult discussion of whether she would take his last name if they got married, a discussion that would go something like, “Would you be willing to change your last name from I don’t know what your last name is to ‘Womack?'”
|Future Mrs. Brad Not Sure Womack?|
A few minutes later, while ABC was forcing Mrs. Ricky Bobby to drive a racecar made out of salvaged scrap metal from Rick Bobby’s plane crash, Lady #1 revealed that she would be too scared to drive a racecar and wondered aloud, “Oh my God, what would I even be doing in that car?!?!” Gentleman #1 made his first appearance of the evening when he responded dryly and without missing a beat, “texting.”
The dynamic of the group date largely upset my group of Ladies, with Lady #1 getting upset that Mrs. Ricky Bobby was acting like a “martyr.” Another Lady responded to Alli’s whining about Emily getting too much attention by pointing out the obvious, “Then make up a dead fiancee.”
Later that evening, The Bachelor set a record with its 116th poolside cocktail party in only 5 episodes. My Ladies were not fans of this party, as they were disturbed heavily by Chantal dropping the “love” bomb and Brad’s use of the word “baby.” All reached consensus, however, on two key items: 1) Chantal probably looks better in person than on TV; and 2) Shawntel’s body was the big winner of the day.
If I could editorialize for a moment, the big winner of the pool party in my opinion was Lady #1, who called out one of the Ashley’s as having “the biggest forehead of all times” and angrily demanded to know why Ashley “wouldn’t get bangs.” She also did not like Mrs. Ricky Bobby’s reaction to receiving the group date rose, “This means more to me than I can say.” Lady #1 believed, “that’s cause you have a vocabulary of, like, 100 words.”
|Rose meant more to her than she knew how to say|
Next up on the show was the 2-on-1 date, a faceoff between the two Ashleys. Although we all agreed that Ashley in the blue dress was the cuter of the two, she did spark a discussion of what the equivalent term is for “cankles” when referring to knees. The group settled on “cighs” as a narrow winner over “thalves.” Also learned during this date was that three of the four Ladies in the room liked men’s thighs. For what that’s worth.
Brad’s weekly session with his pseudo-British therapist, also known as everyone else’s bathroom break, was largely ignored. The only curious part of this discussion was that the therapist referred to Brad’s “mission” as “to find a wife” and not “to be on TV.” We did learn that Brad likes to comfort the “Ladies,” which should come in handy given that the “Ladies” this week dropped a combined 26 pounds in tear-weight.
It was not a suspenseful Rose Ceremony, although the view of all the “Ladies” together sparked a discussion amongst my Ladies about bumpits and how important it was for Ali to immediately “get off this TV screen.” We all caught the look on Lisa’s face after the first two roses were given out and described it as, “realization that this guy doesn’t even know my name face.” Britt’s receipt of a rose, which would have been met by me with befuddlement, instead led to speculation among the Ladies as to whether her dress was from Forever 21. Then, obviously, the pros and cons of Forever 21 were discussed. It’s a conversation I am proud to say I did not participate in.
|GTOG has no expertise in this area|