It’s Episode 6 of ABC’s “The Bachelor,” and you know what that means: time to take this journey on the road, to a mysterious island unencumbered by the universal laws of time and space, where women zipline, rappel, frequently cry, and profess their eternal love for a shirtless, uncharismatic doofus on, like, their second date. Yes, I know Costa Rica is not an island, but let’s stick with the “Lost” theme for a minute here. There are a lot of mysteries to unravel. Was the helicopter going to take Brad and Chantal to some parallel dimension? What fearsome beast would Brad and Alli encounter in that cave? What the hell was Chantal wearing at the rose ceremony?
We began with Chantal’s second one-on-one date with Brad in six weeks, an honor apparently bestowed upon her because of her full figure and inability to stop weeping incessantly. Undeniable combination. The Black Swan, Michelle, immediately went on heightened alert, convening a meeting of the minds with Emily to discuss this completely unforeseen development. Meanwhile, with Brad carefully monitoring Chantal’s emotions, the Bachelor-copter swooped down into the Costa Rican jungle to a zipline platform, because there is no way any of these Ladies could ever find love without simultaneously overcoming a fear of heights, bugs, the ocean, or, ideally, the very same venue that caused their tragically deceased fiance to crash and burn.
|If You Ain’t First, You’re Last.|
It started pouring rain, which was a good thing, because Chantal came armed with the appropriate double entendres. “I’ll see you on the other side, nice and wet,” she announced to a duly impressed Brad, who was pleased to see the old, confident Chantal he used to know, i.e., during that 20 minutes they spent together a few episodes ago. “This is a different position,” Chantal continued as they hurtled through the trees, “Having my legs wrapped tightly around Brad.” All of this was enough for Brad to conclude that he is ready to hang out with Chantal every day for the rest of his life, “no doubt about it,” even though, by definition, there is a doubt, because of, you know, all the other Ladies. After she managed to peel her legs from Brad’s torso, Chantal announced that she was having similar feelings. “The walls go up, I try to protect myself,” but at this point, Chantal observed, she wants more of Brad, every day, forever. “Tonight,” she said, shortly after Brad ogled her as she came out of the bathroom wearing only a white, buttoned down shirt, “I felt his love.” Mmm hmm. Feel more love, after the jump…
Whatever love he felt for Chantal, the gallant Brad was aware he needed to give the same amount of attention to “all of these Ladies,” with the apparent exception of Britt, who actually may be a cardboard cut-out. The group date was next, and what would a group date be without rappelling down a waterfall? Unfortunately for Brad, he promised the Black Swan he would never rappel again with anyone but her, which wouldn’t be a difficult promise to keep if you didn’t appear on the Bachelor once every three seasons. He cleverly dodged the full wrath of the Swan by sending the other Ladies down the face of the cliff first before joining her for the Final Rappel, but not before she punched him like 8 times. Later, as the group date participants cavorted in the pool, the Black Swan noted that seeing Brad take off his shirt just makes her want to go home and [censored by ABC]. There are many thing Michelle may have said here, but currently the top contenders are “punch myself in the face” and “call Carlos Boozer.”
Alli scored the second one-on-one date of the week, but the poor Lady never had a chance. For one thing, she’s scared of bugs and lacked the requisite thirst for adventure. You could see that from the moment she and Brad walked into the polar bear’s cave. Secondly, you just can’t make small talk on a first date when you should be telling a guy that you’ve already fallen in love with him. Rookie mistake. Jackie offered this comment as Brad and Alli dined on top of what appeared to be a giant lilly pad: “They’re at very different place in their lives.” Really, Jackie? Because when two people both decide to find love on a reality show and end up in an awkward conversation on a lilly pad inside a Costa Rican cave, it strikes me that they are in pretty much the identical place in their lives. For some reason, Brad couldn’t see this, noting that despite their “super strong friendship,” he could not give Alli the Date Rose. But, he added, he could still hang out with her every day. I’m sure they totally will.
Now emotionally exhausted and feeling the pressure of having to tell a virtual stranger that he doesn’t want to marry her, Brad made his way straight to the hotel balcony to peer into the darkness. Then the Black Swan showed up. After the customary routine where she sticks her tongue in his mouth and slaps him around a bit, the Swan proceeded to tell our hero exactly who he should send home and in what order, before hastily adding, “But it’s up to you.” Too late, Black Swan. The Bachelor doesn’t like you questioning his decisions.
When the other Ladies caught wind of the grief Brad was taking from Michelle, they were not happy. Chantal was on the warpath and literally looked prepared to ambush a herd of gazelle as she hiked up her leopard pattern dress. Emily was making herself vulnerable on a hammock. And the Black Swan kicked into full damage control mode. “This is your journey,” she said after Brad informed her that he thought their “relationship” had taken “ten steps” back. “I know I am supposed to be here.”
“Jacob probably brought her there,” Mrs. Artistry observed.
|Closely Monitoring Michelle’s Journey|
Indeed, destiny was in the air, as Shawntel moved in for a game of silent tongue wrestling with the now completely bewildered Brad, causing him to remark that he and Shawntel have an “unsaid connection.” Whatever Shawntel didn’t say, Chantal had her covered. “I’m falling in love with you. I love you,” she said, obviously sensing that time is an illusion, she and Brad have always been together, and that really what they’re experiencing here is a metaphor for purgatory. From Brad’s perspective, this utterance by Chantal lets him “know that this process is working.”
At the end of day, it was Jackie who was sent packing. “I constantly, like, put up a wall and tried to make sure nobody could get through it,” she said. Good luck in therapy, Jackie. Hope to see you back here for Season 14.