This was the wrong week for GTOG to be late on our Bachelor recap, as this was the crucial “hometowns” week, a made up phrase that is completely accepted on the show as common parlance. “Hometowns is a huge week.” “These hometowns are crucial.” Etc…
With Artistry out of the country this week, the obligation to watch The Bachelor and write a timely recap of it fell to me. I failed. You can forgive me – the Pens had like 11 games this week and made 61 trades. There were other things on my mind.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t watch. It may have taken me three days to get through the episode, but I did. The storylines could not have been less interesting, but the quotes could not have been funnier. Here are the top 5.
5. “It’s an awkward situation. We all know that.”
In the understatement of the decade, Brad made this acknowledgment while contemplating his first meeting with the perfectly named Little Ricki, daughter of Mrs. Ricky Bobby and the late Ricky Bobby. Brad apparently finds it awkward to meet the daughter of a woman to whom he is considering proposing, but doesn’t find his desire to propose to this woman who he barely knows to be awkward at all. In fact, he feels “real love” and can “totally” see Mrs. Ricky Bobby as the future Mrs. Brad Ricky Bobby Womack. That’s an awkward situation. We all know that. Except Brad.
Similarly clueless was Mrs. Ricky Bobby herself, as she attributed Little Ricki’s shyness around Brad to Brad, and not to the army of producers and camera men shoving cameras in the 5-year-old’s face. Let’s analyze what’s more likely to make a little girl uncomfortable — a nice handsome man giving her presents or six 250lb camera men following her around who look like the actors who play strangers in Don’t Talk To Strangers videos?
This was Brad’s analysis of the stakes of his various hometowns — you know, that gimmick where ABC forces fathers to have uncomfortable one-on-one-on-national-TV conversations with their daughter’s pseudo-celebrity suitor where said suitor seeks to convince said horrified father that his “intentions are true.” Really never gets old, and hardly ever gets interesting.
|“No pressure Shawntel. But if you move, you’ll destroy everything.”|
Brad was a huge winner on this weeks hometowns, securing not just “blessings” from Shawntel N’s mustached father, but the “total blessing” from Chantal O’s father. No wonder Chantal O. prevailed this week. If you don’t already know – and how could you not know? – there is a strict Hierarchy of Blessings that started in medeival times when you could secure a father’s blessing for his daughter’s hand in forced marriage with a sack of potatoes.
3. “I miss Shawntell N. I’m looking forward to seeing her.”
One of Brad’s only qualities is his deliberateness. Short, declarative sentences. Ron Cook-esque. Let’s explore. Some of his actual declarations:
- “I do think she is emotional. She’s entitled to emotions. Everyone is.”
- “I think Shawntel needs to talk to her family.”
- “I love your personality. I love that about you.”
- “It’s consistent.”
- “There is so much love that Emily has for her ex. She holds onto that. Rightfully so.”
- “My intentions are true.”
- “It fascinates me that you embalm people.”
- “Shawntel thoroughly loves the embalming process.”
- “I’m highly impressed. With Shawntel.”
- “I sure do care for her very much. I do.”
- “I guess im just a weird guy.”
- “Ashley had a rough going in Anguilla.”
- “I’m very happy to have the chance to know you. Very happy.”
2. Mr. Chantal O: “My dad was a mason.” Brad: “My granddad was a mason.”
There is a tendency in American society to blue-collarize one’s background, particularly one’s daddy or granddaddy. It happens in politics — did you know John Edwards’ daddy worked in the mills? — and it sure as hell is happening on the Bachelor. The ironic thing about the conversation occurring between Brad and Chantal O’s father is that both of these individuals appear to me to be as far from being a mason as one could be (if I knew what a mason was).
If Brad and Chantal O have a child, what will that child say one day? “My dad was a Bachelor. And my granddad had a house with 80 foot ceilings. But my great granddad – he was a mason!”
1. This one speaks for itself, as it is the greatest string of run-on non-sentences ever spoken in the history of modern television (and I define modern television as anything post-Joe Millionaire):
“I want so badly to be affectionate with you. Ok. And to show you how I care. I just met your daughter, she’s sleeping upstairs. I want to kiss you. I’m just not. I care enough about letting you know how much I respect you and your daughter. I want to leave, I want to hug you, and not let go. But I want to hug you and tell you goodbye and tell you I’ll be thinking about you and I hope that you know that means I care so much more than a kiss. You ok?”