I’m looking into getting us some press credentials for next year’s “Women Tell All,” because I think you need to watch Chris Harrison live to truly appreciate his greatness. Without further ado, here are your top 10 moments from last night’s “Women Tell All” episode. Only one more week of this, and then I begin work on rehabilitating my soul.
10. Ashley the Dentist forms Bachelorette exploratory committee, then unilaterally decides she’s running.
Every season, somebody uses “The Woman Tell All” as a platform to launch a campaign to become the next Bachelorette. It’s the perfect venue. In addition to the national TV audience, you’ve got a live group of mesmerized middle-aged women, hanging on your every tear and giggle, nodding and exchanging knowing glances, and occasionally mouthing the word “Yes” as you explain that you still hope to find love. Ashley the Dentist understood the opportunity she had here. And she seized it. She left South Africa after last week’s episode pale, blonde, and broken. The dentist we saw last night was deeply fake-tanned, the beneficiary of cutting edge teeth-whitening technology, and blessed with rich, dark hair extensions. She was going, she said, for a more natural look.
|A Return to Innocence|
The studio audience swooned. Chris Harrison said he “loves” the new Ashley. And America lost another young dentist to Us Magazine.
9. Brad’s Desperate Search for Adjectives
Madison? She’s an extraordinary woman. Shawntel? An incredible woman. Ashley? Exceptional.
|Tremendous? Marvelous? Dynamite?|
8. The Bachelor Family Takes Swim; Hotel Forced to Drain and Disinfect Pool
When part of the 500 member Bachelor Family – Vienna, Wes, Rosalyn, Gia, Kasey, hey Ali and Roberto! – gathered at New York’s Gansevoort Hotel to vie (read: have sex) for a spot on the second season of “Bachelor Pad,” two things happened: 1) The Hotel Gansevoort ensured no one will ever want to swim in its petri dish of a pool again; and 2) GTOG renewed its commitment to never watching Bachelor Pad. It’s like Bachelor, but without the Journey or the Walls.
7. Melissa v. The Manscaper, Part Deux
In case you forgot, early in the season, Raichel the Manscaper feuded with the inexplicably hostile Melissa, uttering the immortal line: “I’m not going to let you obstruct the rest of my life.” Last night, these two people whose names we’d forgotten met again. “I’ve thought about this in great depth,” the Manscaper said as millions of American leaned in close to hear her well thought out conclusions. “I think the moral of the story is, don’t act that way in front of a guy,” Other Ashley interjected. At which point millions of Americans sat back and nodded in appreciation of her wisdom.
6. The Black Swan Employs “Right Reasons” Defense
Under attack by a mob of angry Ladies – check that, for some reason producers last night were calling them “the Women” – for her conniving, back-stabbing ways, Michelle Money fell back on the tried and true tactic of insisting she was “there for the right reasons,” sobbing, pointing out that she has a daughter, sobbing, and concluding that, therefore, “I was there for the right reasons.” Bulletproof strategy. She brought it home by adding, “We all have things that we do when we put up walls.” That gave our host the opening he needed…
As Stacy the Angry Bartender continued to savage Michelle for being a bad mother, Chris Harrison stepped in. Being an awful person, the host explained, is simply a defense mechanism. Everyone has walls, Michelle’s just happen to be offensive as well as defensive. Before you knew it, the women were telling the Black Swan they thought she was “hilarious” and that “Mondays wouldn’t have been the same” without her. Such is the power of Chris Harrison.
|Slept With Carlos Boozer For the Right Reasons|
4. Other Ashley Becomes Only Person Ever to Use “Women Tell All” as Teachable Moment
The Other Ashley never quite got over Brad’s parting words about how he was sure she’d be an exceptional wife, just not an exceptional wife for him. To hear her tell it, this was enough to make the Other Ashley give up all hope and just jump into the pool at the Gansevoort Hotel. Except now “Women Tell All” was giving her a second chance, a chance to figure out what’s wrong with her. So she can correct the problem. Other Ashley, believe me, there’s nothing wrong with you that not going on the Bachelor won’t fix.
3. Chris Harrison Convinces Ashley the Dentist She Was in Love
Harrison stepped up big again as Ashley Dentist took her spot on the hot seat, ready for her big moment. “I can see the emotion in your eyes right now,” he said. What a host. And he was just getting warmed up. Taking her back in her mind through the entire 12 hours she spent with Brad, he moved in for the kill shot.
Harrison: Was it love?
Ashley: I don’t know.
Harrison: Yes, you do….I hate to break it to you, but you were in love.
2. Michelle Admits Relationship With Brad May Not Have Been That Unique and Special
Whoa. Did not see this one coming.
1. Brad Tips His Hand
“Mercy, this is the hot seat,” our hero observed as he sat down with Harrison to draw to a close another two hour window of my life that I will never get back. Would Brad divulge his final decision to his buddy Chris? Is it Chantal, or is it Emily? “I was in love a long time ago, buddy,” was all Brad would say. “And I keep falling more in love every day, buddy.” But if you listened closely, as I was compelled to do, you might have heard something more than Brad saying “buddy.” We tabbed Chantal as the favorite a number of weeks ago. But last night, Brad pronounced her name in two distinctly different ways. He went with “Shan-tawl” and then I swear he tried out “Shawn-tal.” And I thought to myself, if they were an item, wouldn’t Chantal have set him straight on the correct pronunciation by now? Gets you thinking, right?
Whatever happens, GTOG will have wall-to-wall coverage of next week’s finale. Until then, let’s take a moment to recognize Shawntel, AKA the Comely Mortician, AKA the Smoking Hot Undertaker, who didn’t speak a word on “Women Tell All.” We knew we liked you for a reason. Keep getting to your game.