The Bachelorette: 10 Things To Watch in Season 7

By GTOG Staff

It doesn’t get any bigger than this. Tonight at 8 p.m. EST, Ashley the 26-year-old dentist begins her journey through a maze of 30 similar looking white men to find “the One,” who will make her feel, make her believe, and make her fake laugh on camera. It’s an extraordinary journey, full of plot twists and turns, some of which are real. They call it “The Bachelorette.” We call it our “Wheelhouse.”

Ready to, like, find love.

As a public service to our biggest fans, as well as those who will be taking the plunge into this season with us for the first time, here are 10 things to look for this season.

10. Gentlemen who came for the right reasons, but stay for the wrong reasons. Look, Ashley deserves love just as much as the next reality show contestant, but we hold our Bachelorettes to a very high standard. Ashley is cute, perky, perky, and cute, but she can also kill a romantic mood (see Window, God’s) like no one since Kasey serenaded Ali by singing about a helicopter. Watch for at least a dozen potential suitors to shift quickly from “here to find love” to “hey, free booze” mode after their initial encounter with the golden-tanned dentist.

9. An exit strategy. For the same reason, is it not also conceivable that at least some of the 30 Gentlemen will be looking to jump ship shortly after the limo pulls up the shiny brick driveway? Not only possible, but likely. But extracting one’s self from the Bachelorette (so to speak) is about as complex as removing a malignant brain tumor — it takes practice, finesse, skill, and a little bit of luck. Here are three excuses we see some of the Gentlemen using:

  1. “I’m more into my roommate.”
  2. “In Touch Weekly just found out that I’m texting other women.”
  3. “I came here with my walls up, and now it’s too late.”

The top 8, after the jump…

8. Who can make Ashley feel? Ashley has made no secret that she’s only looking for a Gentleman who knows how to stir her roiling cauldron of passion, and that’s what distinguishes this journey from its sibling, the Bachelor. Brad Womack certainly wasn’t looking for feelings; if it was a display of swirling emotion he was looking for, Chantal would have easily swept him away in a tsunami of salty tears. No, the Bachelor always elevates the ability to overcome fear above all else. Take Emily, for example. Could she overcome her fear of flying? Her fear of death by race car? Her fear of introducing Little Ricky to a Gentleman? Check, check, and check. On the Bachelorette? Chances are, the first Gentleman who sheds a tear can book himself a trip to the finals.

Would Easily Find Love on the Bachelorette
7. The tortured past. On the Bachelor franchise, nothing sells like someone with a secret. When it comes to the Gentlemen, there really are only 5 possible secrets: 
  1. Was married before but never told you.
  2. Cheated on his ex-wife/ex-girlfriend
  3. Still texting his ex-girlfriend
  4. Still in love with his ex-girlfriend
  5. Accused of drowning his ex-wife.
Shocked by that last one? Then watch out for West, the 30 year-old attorney whose wife drowned in the bathtub under suspicious circumstances, according to Star magazine. Is this something Ashley can get over? Can West keep Ashley safe?

6. A new “word.” The Bachelor is first and foremost about language. You have to talk the talk. Journey. Walls. Cinderella. Safe. You get the point. But every season, a new word emerges to become part of the permanent Bachelor/Bachelorette vernacular. This year, our money is on a word that has been itching to come out for years, but this year, the time may finally be right. “Whole.” As in, “I love him with my whole heart.” Or, “I need you to give your whole self to this journey.” Or, “I haven’t given my whole self to this journey.” Or, “I am ready to love with my whole heart.”

5. A Whitewash. It doesn’t take a genius to look at the roster of Gentlemen for this season and figure out what they all have in common. It’s whiter than an Arcade Fire book-signing at the Apple store.

4. The Slow Dance. It’s become a Bachelor/Bachelorette tradition for a popular band or artist to appear on the show to serenade contestants as they slow dance and attempt to pry open their partner’s soul by staring intensely into each others’ eyes. Preferably, somebody has a sentimental connection with the artist (e.g., “My late father loved Seal”), but really, it’s enough to have a band with no shame, a cheesy song, and a hankering for some quick publicity. Who will it be this time around? Train? They were just on. Maroon 5? No, Adam Levine is under contract with NBC. Besides, this year, with the Scotty McCreery craze on American Idol, we think ABC goes country. Keith Urban? Ding, ding, ding!

3. Multiple Blessings. The hometown visits always require the remaining Gentlemen suitors to seek a blessing from the Bachelorette’s father. They always receive it. ABC will try to drum up some drama in advance of the “blessing” conversation, but if you think Ashley’s dad is going to hijack the dentist’s big decision, I’ve got a helicopter to sing to you about. We predict blessings across the board, and possibly even the coveted total blessing.

Hierarchy of Blessings

2. One Gentleman is going to kiss Ashley while they hang by a rope or cable hundreds of feet above the earth. That lucky Gentleman will make it to the final three.

1. Chris Harrison will dominate.

“Gentlemen. Ashley. Final Rose Tonight.”

Make sure to check back after the broadcast for GTOG’s Raw Emotion Podcast. Get ready to feel.

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