By Artistry and Finesse
Every season of The Bachelorette has a second episode, and every second episode is the same. It starts with a magical one-on-one date with the first Gentleman, leaving our Bachelorette feeling “exactly where she is supposed to be.” Ben F. went so far as to call this initial date “huge.” We couldn’t agree more. That is followed by a large group date, involving anywhere from 10-15 of the Gentlemen, only 2 or 3 of whom are real contenders. The group date is designed to showcase “personalities,” so, naturally, the Gentlemen are forced to do something they don’t want to do and that you want to fast forward through. Meanwhile, back at the Mansion, the four or five Gentlemen who have not yet had “one-on-one time” with the Bachelorette wonder what it all means…does she not like me? Or does she like me so so much? Who is staying awake to watch West tonight?** Will I ever get to meet the Bachelorette?
The name that shows up on the second one-on-one Date Card is guaranteed to get the Rose and likely a kiss, or, in the case of Ashley, she will press her mouth against yours and blow air into your esophagus. By the time the Rose Ceremony comes along, there is terrible angst settling in amongst the Gentlemen who have yet to meet the Bachelorette because they feel so strongly that if given the chance to introduce themselves to her, there would be a “connection.” The Bachelorette, especially a veteran of “the process” like Ashley, can immediately sniff out this insecurity and will undoubtedly seek to reassure these Gentlemen that she is so happy to have met them and wants them to “just, like, have faith in the process.” Those who have the faith in the process will get to participate in the process for a few more weeks, while those whose names you have never heard will not receive the Rose and will disclose during their final interview something to the effect of, “I haven’t had a girlfriend in nine years.”
What we can tell you, after the jump…
– As Ashley and William emerge in Las Vegas for the first date of the episode, it’s immediately clear that the Bachelorette is already a bit of a celebrity. It’s equally clear she has no clue how to handle it. Several female fans reacted to her with the familiarity of an old camp counselor, and she could only respond by grabbing poor William, frantically pointing at him, and repeatedly squeezing his face. Stand still, Ash. Whether these fans are there for the right reasons or are plants by ABC to convince us that America is rooting for Ashley is still an open question.
– What follows is a bizarre exercise in which Ashley and William pretend to prepare for a wedding, then actually begin to exchange marriage vows. “Oh my, what do we do now,” Ashley exclaims. “We’re going to be legally married!” William looks like he’s going to throw up, but somehow musters an “I do.” You can go ahead and tattoo “Here for the right reasons” on his face. This does wonders for the perpetually fragile and insecure Ashley. “You’re the cutest thing ever!” she shrieks. “This is the best first date ever!” Follow that up on an over-sized concrete lilly pad in the middle of the Bellagio fountains with a quick “My dad was an alcoholic beaten to death on the side of the road and I still wear the watch that stopped ticking the minute he died” story from William and a “my Dad is an alcoholic too and it’s been an ongoing, like, struggle” from Ashley, and yep, that’s a Rose for William. Or, as William said while the fountains exploded, “This is for us.” Amen.
– Next up is the group date. Ashley decides to go for the Marianne from “Gilligan’s Island” look, no doubt seeking a counterbalance for the very Ginger jabberwocky dance performance to come.
|Striking, Like, the Right Balance|
The men aren’t really the dancing types, but that’s not important right now. They all dance, poorly, in disturbing masks, for an entire segment, while intermittently commenting on how hot Ashley looks when she tries to channel Jennifer Beals, which she does at least once an episode. Alleged murderer West announces “I’m not going back to LA. I don’t care what we have to do.” Gulp.
– Ashley treats the winning dance squad to a series of intimate conversations that tell us pretty much everything we need to know about these Gentlemen. To wit:
- To fellow dentist Blake, Ashley remarks “I see so much of myself in you.” Order? Check. Precision? Check. An utter lack of charisma? Check. We could be heading for a Brad Womack-Michelle Money style “We’re too much alike” confrontation, but color us stunned if this Gentleman gets more than a minute of air time the rest of the season. Maybe these two have a torrid affair at a dental conference in their distant future, but not now.
- “You’re scaring me,” Ashley tells West, as he prepares to hit her with carefully selected portions of his backstory. Good instincts. Says West, “I’ve learned to cherish every moment with loved ones.” Until you murder them. Allegedly.**
- Ashley “has a great body, amazing butt, rocking legs, and having her tickle my [bleep], I mean, that would be amazing,” Bentley observes. We suspect he says this to all the girls at the “Family Fun Center.”
– Speaking of Bentley, Ashley also reveals that she found out Bentley wasn’t there for the right reasons via text message, and word is that the text came from the legendary Michelle Money herself. The GTOG Newsroom immediately contacted our sources, and procured a copy of the actual text message:
Ash- Bentley is TFTWR. keep ur ❤ protected. Go find a guy who appreci8s u then swallow his tongue. lol.
– Despite this dire text, Ashley can’t keep her Walls up around anyone with the savvy to exploit her low self-esteem. That, Bentley can do. At the mere suggestion that he may not have the strength to continue the Journey, Ashley literally begs him to stay. “Please stick around. Just please, please, please stick around. Please, please, please.”
– GTOG CONSPIRACY THEORY ALERT. It doesn’t take a logician to do what we do, but it’s a damn good thing we’re licensed. Consider:
- Michelle Money has a daughter.
- Michelle Money went on the Bachelor
- Michelle Money was TFTWR.
- Bentley has a daughter.
- Bentley is on the Bachelorette.
- Michelle reported to Ashley that Bentley was TFTWR.
Conclusion? Michelle and Bentley made a baby. Probably for the wrong reasons.
|“HOW MANY OF YOUR LOVED ONES ARE DEAD?!?! TELL ME NOW!”|
– We learned that the last time Ashley cried was when she was watching last season of the Bachelor. Same for us.
– Finally, the night ended with goodbyes to Matt, Stephen, and Ryan M. Devastating, of course, but each of them had a fatal flaw: Matt’s mom is alive; Stephen never got to meet Ashley; and Ryan M., had to clear the way for
Apollo Ryan P. But don’t lament. The road to the fantasy suite is paved with broken hearts.
Make sure you follow us on Twitter, and don’t hesitate to tweet @Shawntel_Newton and/or @MoneyMichelle to tell them A) We are not stalkers; and B) They should spend 5 good minutes with us on the Raw Emotion podcast.
**GTOG recognizes the sensitivities surrounding these types of jokes. And we hope you recognize them as jokes.