By Finesse and Artistry
Sometimes work gets in the way of writing epically long Bachelorette recaps. It happens to the best of us. So, briefly, here are 10 lessons we learned from Monday’s episode.
10. Make sure you stretch (i.e., date Constantine) before you work out (date Ben). Constantine is the donut to Ben’s baseball bat. In each of the past two weeks, the Bachelorette has opened with the human insomnia medication that is Constantine. He got the first date in Taiwan and was the first Hometown this week. That would be like Saturday Night Live opening with the sketch that got the worst review in rehearsal. But while some might say this is poor programming, we beg to differ. Everyone knows Ben is just a better version of Constantine, so ABC is letting Ash take her cuts with Conny in the on-deck circle before taking full swings and making contact with Ben.
9. Listen to Ames. Ashley talks about Ames like she is conducting a parent-teacher conference with his mom. “Ames is the most unique guys I’ve ever met.” “Ames is very humble about his accomplishments.” In all seriousness, we are going to miss Ames. What a Gentleman. Every other sentence may have been constructed “Adjective – Pronoun – Look Confused – Smile” but there was something about him. He’s going on Bachelor Pad, but that doesn’t mean we’ll watch. It’s 3 hours long.
|Not even Ames can sustain 3 hours.|
8. If you want to date Constantine, you better move to Cumming, Georgia. Mrs. Conny had one question, and one question only for Ash: “Would you move here? It’s important to Constantine. WOULD YOU MOVE HERE! ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!” Meanwhile, Con’s dad was giving his blessing for Constantine to propose to “Ass-ley.”
7. Though burdened by a misshapen head, Ames got the looks in the family. For those wondering, Seneca is his sister, not his mom.
|And this is what Ames will look like in 5 years.|
6. Stick to the checklist. Ames declared that he “threw out the checklist early on with this Journey” and instead took his sister’s instruction to give Ashley “the full Ames.” We’re pretty sure that in at least a dozen states, you’re required to register as a sex offender if you’re caught giving someone “the full Ames.”
5. Time isn’t standing still beneath the magnolia tree. It just feels that way to us watching at home.
4. We’d all save a lot of time if the contestants just brought lists of everyone they’ve ever had sex with to each date. One of the requirements of being the Bachelorette is that when Hometowns come around, you have to ask each suitor how many women he has brought home to his family. And you are only allowed to have one of two reactions: 1) “Hmmm, only X” or 2) “Wow, X.” This is non-negotiable.
|Pretty sure this guy would fall in the “wow” category.|
3. There is a direct relationship between how many dead parents you have and how far you get on the show. Unless you’re Ames. Both his Dad and stepfather are dead, and he still got sent home. Man, Ashley really didn’t want to have sex with Ames.
2. We know guys like JP. In other words, we know Jewish guys from Roslyn who had a mullet and a Bar Mitzvah at the roller skating rink and listened to REO Speedwagon and grew up to be petulant and overly dramatic Bachelorette contestants who flame out in the finale.
1. Ashley loved feeling like she was in 7th grade when she went skating with JP. You know who wouldn’t love that feeling? Ames.
We’re back with the Full GTOG next week, because much like Constantine, when we love, we love hard. And much like Ben, we are real guys. But unlike Ben and Constantine, we don’t look particularly alike. In the meantime, if you’re looking to get your emotions on, listen to the podcast.