Unusually Hot or Not? The Women of GTOG Rank 33 NFL Quartebacks

By Mrs. Artistry and Artistry’s mom

“NFL quarterbacks are hot,” Mrs. Artistry observed, as her husband flipped between football games on a recent Sunday.  “Unusually hot.”

“I don’t think so,” her husband replied.  “Not a deep field.”

And thus another of GTOG’s Truly Great Ideas was born. Here, for the first time, Mrs. Artistry and Artistry’s Mom join forces to rank 33 NFL quarterbacks based on whom in some alternate universe they’d like to kiss on New Year’s Eve.  [Disclaimer: These rankings are the Women of GTOG’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of GTOG or its sponsors.  It is recommended that you seek independent advice before making any QB hotness ranking decisions.]

1.  Tom Brady, New England Patriots

“I own your team, your wife, and your mom.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Looks like he thinks he’s hot, but unfortunately, he is hot.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Hot.”

Artistry:  “Whatever.”

Finesse:  “WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!”

2.  Mark Sanchez, New York Jets

“Look into my eyes while I throw this interception.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Hot.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Oh yeah.”

Artistry:  “Excuse me while I pour a bucket of cold water on my whole family.”

Finesse:  “Hell of a tan for what looks like a cloudy day.”

3.  Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers

Was 4th before Brett Favre retired.

Mrs. Artistry:  “He’s kinda cute. Friendly.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Nice smile.”

Artistry:  “Great bangs.”

Finesse:  “He’s in an abusive relationship with William Gay.”

4.  Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears

Only Jay Cutler smile on record

Mrs. Artistry:  “Nice teeth.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Nice smile. Cute.”

Artistry:  “Huge advantage to Cutler here because this picture doesn’t show his frat boy haircut or his infamous pout/scowl.  In terms of ranking QB hotness, this is what I would refer to as a false positive.”

Finesse:  “Looks like he has too many bottom teeth.”

5.  Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers

His dad asked for $120K just to let Cam be on this list.

Mrs. Artistry:  “Cute, but big chin.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Ooooh.”

Artistry:  “From the center of an NCAA scandal to #5 on Women of GTOG’s QB hotness list. A meteoric rise.”

Finesse:  “Can we get that sound your mom made on tape?”

Numbers 6-33, plus lessons learned on NFL QB attractiveness, or lack thereof, after the jump…

6.  Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos

Tebow, 3 for 16

Mrs. Artistry:  “That’s a hot Christian.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Is this Mike Tebow? He’s cute.”

Artistry:  “Drew Brees got beat by a good running back.”

Finesse: “Mike Tebow is like the fourth Staal brother everyone keeps talking about.”

7.  Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints

 Home Child Advantage

Mrs. Artistry:  “I like that this guy’s a family man.  It makes him look cute.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He’s cute with the baby.”

Artistry:  “He just looks so effortless out there.”

Finesse:  “Total manipulation by me with the picture choice. Proud of myself.”

8.  Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles

Must Love Dogs

Mrs. Artistry:  “Handsome.”  [Hours pass.]  “You need to move Mike Vick down because of the dog.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Is that Michael Vick with his dog? He’s a good looking kid.”

Artistry:  [Not saying anything.]

Finesse:  “This is what Martin Vangar was doing with Mikael Blomkvist in his basement.”

9.  Christian Ponder, Minnesota Vikings


Mrs. Artistry:  “Cute.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I can’t see him. Can you make the screen darker?”

Artistry:  “Taken too high both here and in the draft.”

Finesse: “Make the screen darker, Artistry.”

10.  Eli Manning, New York Giants

Looks worse in the wind

Mrs. Artistry:  “Oh, I love Eli Manning.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He’s not really very good looking. Very clean cut, but not hot.”

Artistry:  “This is our first big dispute.”

Finesse:  “Clip on?”

11.  Matt Moore, Miami Dolphins

“I’m genuinely just happy to be here.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “He has potential but needs to take a shower.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I don’t like him.”

Artistry:  “I’m fairly certain he just took a shower.”

Finesse:  “Will not be on 2012 list.”

12.  Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys

He would be at a Cosmo party.

Mrs. Artistry:  “Marriage material.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I don’t like Tony Romo. Look at his beady little eyes.”

Artistry: “Mrs. Artistry, meet me in counseling.”

Finesse:  “Greatest achievement is not getting Jessica Simpson pregnant.”

13.  Carson Palmer, Oakland Raiders

Would get down on a knee to propose, but he only has one left.

Mrs. Artistry:  “He kind of looks like Carson Daly.  Not too bad.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Nice looking.”

Artistry:  “The Women of GTOG join the Raiders as the only entities willing to trade two #1 draft choices for Carson Palmer.”

Finesse:  “Old face.”

14.  Colt McCoy, Cleveland Browns

Only more fitting name for Texas QB would have been Deputy Gunner.

Mrs. Artistry:  “Average.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He looks cute.”

Artistry:  “He looks 12.”

Finesse:  “Tebow minus 25 pounds minus John 3:16 = Colt McCoy.”

[Bonus selection]  Colt McCoy’s college girlfriend, University of Texas

Here for the right reasons.

Mrs. Artistry:  “Who is she?”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I don’t understand.”

Artistry:  [Not saying anything.]

Finesse:  “We understand.”

15.  Alex Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Mrs. Artistry:  “Kinda cute.”

Artistry’s Mom:  [Eyes glazing over.]

Artistry:  “Alex Smith is what I like to call a game manager.”

Finesse:  “Small hands.”

16.  Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo Bills

Growing the non-playoff beard

Mrs. Artistry:  “It looks like something weird happened to his face.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “No good, although he might be all right without the beard.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “It looks like he was in a car accident or something.”

Artistry:  “He aced the Wonderlic test.”

Finesse:  “Car accident? What kind of car accident?”

17.  Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens

“Thanks for getting my best side.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Below average.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He might be all right. He has kind of a Cro Magnon brow.”

Artistry:  [Nodding.]

Finesse:  “Troy Polamalu is going to pick that ball up.”

18.  Matt Cassel, Kansas City Chiefs

“I have one more season before people realize how bad I am.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Big chin, but OK.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I don’t like his looks.”

Artistry:  “At least with Kyle Orton backing him up, there is no QB hotness controversy in Kansas City.”

Finesse:  “Why the long face?”

19.  Matt Hasselback, Tennessee Titans

Eyes still puffy from Super Bowl XL

Mrs. Artistry:  “The forehead hurts him.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “And I definitely don’t like his looks.”  [Upon further review:  “He’s not that bad.”]

Artistry:  “He’s bald.  He’s got veteran moxie.”

Finesse:  “Forehead-Scalp border war reminiscent of the Golan Heights.”

20.  Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions

Fantasy QB

Mrs. Artistry:  “I’m not sure it’s legal to comment.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He looks like he could be OK. I can’t see him.”

Artistry:  “He’s my fantasy quarterback. No, literally, I had him on like every team.”

Finesse:  “Maybe your mom should get glasses.”

21.  Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

So nondescript 

Mrs. Artistry:  “He’d be cuter if he lost weight.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “No.”

Artistry:  “Having a down season all the way around.”

Finesse:  “Roethlisbergerian dome.”

22.  Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons

Mrs. Artistry:  “Thumbs are not up.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “That’s sorta nerdy.”

Artistry:  “Matty Ice getting the cold shoulder.”

Finesse: “WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!?”

23.  Sam Bradford, St. Louis Rams 

 “On my way to Torts.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “He looks like someone I knew in law school.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “No.”

Artistry:  “Graduate of the Scott Burnside School of Taking Pictures in Unflattering Places.”

Finesse:  “Burnside and Lebrun actually filming in that garage behind the fence.”

24.  Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts

Cut that meat!

Mrs. Artistry:  “This just proves Eli is the better Manning.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Clean cut, but nerdy.”

Artistry:  “I see a big comeback for Peyton next year, as he grows his hair out, takes the field with a slimmed down neck, and leads the Washington Redskins back to glory.”

Finesse:  “Just scrolled up to re-look at Colt McCoy’s girlfriend.  Feel much better.”

25.  Kevin Kolb, Arizona Cardinals

1st team All-Neck-Fat

Mrs. Artistry:  “Not good looking.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “No.”

Artistry:  “He looks like a dickish golf pro.”

Finesse:  “Might be a dickish golf pro within 3 years.”

26.  Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers

“Sorry, fantasy owners.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Nah.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I don’t like this guy.”

Artistry:  “I don’t like this guy either.”

Finesse:  “Saw Tony Romo’s kissy face, and raised him two puckered lips.”

27.  Rex Grossman, Washington Redskins

The Joey Chestnut to Kevin Kolb’s Kobayashi

Mrs. Artistry:  “He looks like your friend’s nice brother.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “No.”

Artistry:  “Do you get the sense my mom is mailing it in at this point?”

Finesse:  “Yes.”

28.  Seneca Wallace, Cleveland Browns

“Am I even in the NFL?”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Looks cuddly. I’d make out with him.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “No. I don’t like that mustache thing he has going on.”

Artistry:  “First of all, what is Seneca Wallace doing here?  Second, he does look cuddly.”

Finesse:  “If Mrs. Artistry would make out with #28 on this list, what does that mean for #1 thru #27?”

29.  Matt Schaub, Houston Texans

#30 – #33 are going to have a lot to think about.

Mrs. Artistry:  “Close to the bottom for me.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I don’t like him.”

Artistry:  “Looks like he just woke up from an afternoon nap at his desk.”

Finesse:  [CENSORED]

30.  Blaine Gabbert, Jacksonville Jaguars

Appropriately named after a woman.

Mrs. Artistry:  [Laughing.]

Artistry’s Mom:  “The mullet has to go on the bottom.”

Artistry:  “Another QB victimized by a bad picture.  Blaine gets a raw deal here.”

Finesse:  “What someone named Colt McCoy should have looked like.”

31.  Andy Dalton, Cincinnati Bengals

Rough draw with the black and orange unis.

Mrs. Artistry:  “He’s not so cute.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Not a fave.”

Artistry:  “If Andy Dalton grew a red mustache, his would take its rightful place on the Mt. Rushmore of Bengals QB mustaches, alongside Kenny Anderson’s and Boomer Esiason’s.  Not sure what he is waiting for.”

Finesse:  “Aren’t we just piling on Mike McQueary at this point? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IN THE SAME SITUATION! YOU DON’T KNOW!!!”

32.  Curtis Painter, Indianapolis Colts

Hillary Clinton?

Mrs. Artistry:  “Oh God.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Oh. What kind of ridiculous haircut is that?”

Artistry:  “Curtis Painter can also be seen starring in Season 2 of Game of Thrones.”

Finesse:  “Not having Curtis Painter last destroys the credibility of this list.  I no longer put any stock in these rankings.”

33.  Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers

Leader of Men

Mrs. Artistry:  “Gross.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Ben needs to be exiled.”

Artistry:  “So what are you saying? Don’t hold back. What’s the word on the street?”

Finesse:  “Band of Brothers.”

Mrs. Artistry’s Conclusions

I am very lucky to be married to Artistry.  He slots just below Mark Sanchez and above Aaron Rodgers.  That’s not bad.  Despite a steep drop in quality after the Top 10, I still maintain that NFL quarterbacks are unusually hot, because Tom Brady is so hot that he single-handedly elevates the quarterback hotness average above the curve set by the rest of mankind.  That is all.  Thank you.


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