[Listen to the Raw Emotion podcast here]
In our highly acclaimed Bachelor season preview, we pointed out something that no one else was talking about: Lindzi with a zi claimed to be allergic to the sun. On a show where at least 50% of your time is devoted to swimming with the sea animal of which you are most terrified, this type of affliction poses an enormous threat to one’s ability to earn the fairy tale. So how has Lindzi overcome this affliction to not only achieve a level of tan-ness previously attainable only by Photoshop but also to earn the privilege of bringing a winemaker back to her hometown?
|One eye on Ben, one eye on the sun.|
Our belief? There is no allergy. This is your classic fake-allergy-for-sympathy situation, an unforgivable offense on a show where honesty is not just the best policy, but the only policy. And if you’re not on board with our belief that Lindzi is an unapologetic liar seeking sympathy love — after all, only Newt Gingrich would have the balls to break up with a woman with a sun allergy — we have an alternative explanation: ignorance. Lindzi, you’re white, and when you go in the sun for extended periods of time, your skin might get a little pink. It’s not about having an allergy, it’s about being white.
A full recap after the jump…
This week’s episode began as they all do — Ben declares that he is on his way to finding love, but he just doesn’t yet know the answers to who, what, when, where, why, or how. No matter, because this episode wasn’t about Ben’s love, but about Kacie B’s love for Ben, as she declared in the opening, “I’m as in love with Ben as I can get.” As are we.
Chris Harrison emerges and says, “Let’s talk about how big this week is,” then describes how it’s virtually identical to all the other weeks, and then brings it full circle to say, “It’s going to be a huge week here in Belize.” The first date card has a play on words of “sea” — get it, “see” –and goes to Lindzi. This evokes a range of emotions in the women. Rachel, Courtney and Emily feel envious, while Nicki and Kacie B. feel innvious.
|“I’m so innvious of youuu, Bin”|
Lindzi and Ben then overcome their fear of jumping out of helicopters into strange bodies of water with no lifejackets, which makes both of them feel like there is nothing they can’t accomplish together. A useful feeling next time a landing module splashes down in the South Pacific in 1970.
|“Lindzi, how could you forget to pack the CO2 replacement cylinders?!|
To summarize the next thirty minutes of this abominable episode: Courtney is sad that Ben didn’t give her the first one-on-one; Courtney is sad that she got a text message from “Ryan” but it turned out to be Phillippe not Gosling; Courtney confides in Lindzi about something hateable but unmemorable; Courtney cries that she wants a man to make her feel special; and then Courtney gets under the covers to cry some more. Meanwhile, on Emily’s one-on-one with Ben, he tells her that she is very easy to get along with and that he enjoys chatting with her. Being the experts that we are, we knew that language like this was an ominous sign for Emily’s fairy tale. Emily called it the best date of her life.
|Ben: “I feel like I’m 11 years old riding with my best friend!”
Emily: “You are so totally in love with me!”
Back in the Living Room, the next date card arrives for Courtney and says something like, “Let’s see if two halves can make a whole” or maybe “Let’s climb the steps to our love.” Predictably, this sends the women into a frenzy, not only because it was Courtney who got the one-on-one, but because THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THE DATE CARD MEANS! Steps? What steps? Where? Does that mean he’s taken more steps with Courtney than with me? But we’ve taken a lot of steps? How many steps make a journey? I want steps.
Thankfully, we’ve used our inside sources at the show to obtain unaired transcripts of the Ladies’ reaction to other date-cards that were tried out during rehearsals.
Date card for Kacie B: “Let’s take a ride on the flip side”
Lindzi: “Omigod what does that even mean?”
Emily: “What is the flip side? Like, what does that mean?”
Nicki: “But I want to go to the flip side with Biiin.”
Courtney: “I’ve already been to the flip side so many times.”
Rachel: “Ride where? Like, WHERE IS THE FLIP SIDE? I don’t get it.”
Date card for Lindzi: “Let’s write the first chapter of our love story”
Emily: “Omigod what does that even mean?”
Nicki: “But I want to write my love story with Biiiin.”
Courtney: “Who even does that, it sounds so boring.”
Kacie B: “I am not usually a jealous person, but I want to light myself on fire.”
Rachel: “Do you have to bring a bathing suit? LIKE, WHAT STORY IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?”
Date card for Nicki: “Let’s put the weight of the world on our shoulders”
Nicki: “I get to go out with Biiiiiiiiiin!!!!”
Rachel: “WHOSE SHOULDERS IS HE TALKING ABOUT? IS HE CALLING US FAT?”
Kacie B: “I can’t even lift anything.”
Emily: “Like, seriously Courtney? Seriously? Are you even a person?”
|WHAT CATCH? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!?!|
On the date, Courtney effectively turns the show into the Bachelorette by lying to Ben about complimenting the other ladies and lamenting that the spark she had with him is lost. To regain this spark, she lies some more, then ascends the steps of a Mayan temple, declaring that with each step she takes toward the Summit, she sheds some of the baggage and drama that has enveloped her time on the show. Ben uses this moment to think about his Dad, and how proud he would be.
|“I did it, Dad. I finally get to sleep with a model.”|
All we remember about the dinner with an extremely intoxicated Courtney is that Ben asks her about her “ability to connect with others” and whether she wanted to finger-paint or make pasta necklaces after nap time.
The group date starts the next day with Ben surprising the women by waking them up. We learn that some of them sleep in the same bed because that’s not weird. Rachel monopolizes Ben’s attention because she has a phobia of sharks. I ask Poise, “Do you fux with sharks?” to which he replies, “why would I?”
As Ben gives his precious attention to Rachel, Kacie B. naively says, “this rose is not about hey you conquered your fear, I want to meet your family.” Apparently Kacie B. has not been paying attention because she also said the following:
– “It’s not like, hey your Dad is dead you get to be the Bachelor.”
– “I can’t just be like, oh my I’m so excited for this helicopter ride.”
– “The rose is not about hey you need reassurance, and by the way I want to sleep with you.”
Nevertheless, Kacie B. is able to overcome her fear of Rachel overcoming her fear of sharks by pulling out the trump card: “I’m in love with you,” she declares in the hot tub. This gets her the coveted group date rose.
|Spades trump love, but love trumps fear.|
At the cocktail party that night, SIKE! Ben cancels the cocktail party which means that he means business. He pulls Courtney to the side to ask her why everyone thinks she’s a raging bitch. To summarize her response: “I am a raging bitch, but I will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite.”
After Chris Harrison introduces the rose ceremony with the helpful, “It’s been a beautiful week in Belize,” Ben stunningly gives the first rose to Nicki. Lindzi gets the second rose and after Chris Harrison comes BACK to remind us that it is time for the final rose, Ben awards this prize to Courtney. Emily and Rachel erupt in hysterics, but Ben seems confident in his decision because in the immortal summarized words of Courtney: “I am a raging bitch, but I will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite.”
|A raging bitch who will have sex with you in the Fantasy Suite.|
[Listen to the Raw Emotion podcast here]