By GTOG Staff
As with all great episodes of The Bachelor, last night’s 2-hour show opens with an ample dose of montages and heavily edited voice-overs. If it wasn’t for the shameless editing, it would simply be impossible to pretend that Ben had any feelings whatsoever for Nicki other than, “It’d be cool if you were my sister because then we could hang out a lot and because you aren’t that hot, I wouldn’t have to worry about you hooking up with my friends.” But even with clever editing, Nicki’s downfall is predictable from the get-go, as Ben pins her with the dreaded “darkhorse” label and says that there are “moments” when he pictures himself with Nicki, although presumably those moments quickly pass and he resumes touching himself to thoughts of Courtney.
|“Bin, you have no idea what I’m capable of.”|
The same negative signs are there with Lindzi as well, so long as you are seasoned enough to pick up on them. “I think I might be falling in love with Lindzi,” Ben declares, which sounds nice on the surface but is as good as an outright dumping in reality. This man is supposedly a week away from proposing to Lindzi and he “thinks” that he “might” be “falling in love” with her. Translation: give me credit for trying to be nice, but I’d much prefer to sleep with Courtney.
If you’re not a pro at this, here’s the GTOG Levels of Love Language. All of them can sound romantic in a voiceover, but if you aren’t consistently securing language in the top-3, you aren’t going anywhere.
- I love you
- I am in love with you
- I have fallen in love with you
- I am falling in love with you
- I am starting to fall in love with you
- I am starting the process of falling in love with you
- I think I’m starting to fall in love with you
- I can see myself being in love with you
- I can see myself falling in love with you
- I can see myself starting to fall in love with you
- Those feelings — those feelings of love — are there
- I can see myself being in love with someone like you
- I can see myself falling in love with someone like you
- I can see myself starting to fall in love with someone like you
- I imagine a scenario where I’m falling in love with someone who bears a resemblance to you
A full recap of Fantasy Suite night after the jump…
The action picks up with our hero speculating about what Fantasy Suite night means. For Ben, it affords him the opportunity to ask the women the questions he hasn’t been able to ask before, such as, “will you have sex with me?” and “Wow. I’m thirsty now. I’m going to get a glass of water…do you want anything?” Then, just in case you are dissatisfied in the bathroom, ABC prepares you for Tuesday morning with our favorite commercial, “Real Women Taking Real Shits.”
|“Look at all those people walking and how stupid they are!”|
“My relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights, but at the same time, it’s grounded,” Ben observes. This is straight from the “How to Say Everything While Saying Nothing” playbook, co-authored by the founders of J-Date and every person who has ever had a J-Date profile. Other possibilities here include:
“I love to go out to bars and restaurants, but I’m just as happy staying in.”
“I love to meet new people, but I also like to surround myself with great friends.”
“I’m a vegetarian, but I also love a good piece of steak.”
“I’m really extroverted, but at the same time I’m introverted.”
“I’m Caucasian, but I’m also African-American, and at times I’m Hispanic.
Nicki then continues to harp on not just how in love she is with Bin, but how happy she is that she told Bin that she is so in love with him. As any man would do in such a scenario, Ben deflects by telling her, “You remind me of my dad.” After a dramatic dip by the helicopter, Nicki voices over that Bin makes her feel safe in any scenario. What exactly was Ben going to do to protect her if the helicopter started spinning out of control? That’s not a rhetorical question. Ben would have grabbed Nicki, he would have used his hair as a parachute, and they would have glided to safety.
|“Nothing can happen to you up here, Nicki.”|
At dinner, Nicki lays it on thick. She wants to know how many kids Bin wants, she wants Bin to know that she thinks about having Bin’s babies, and she wants Bin to know that she will give him everything he deserves — EVERYTHING — in the fantasy suite. Nicki believes that she and Ben will be gin-u-in-ly happy together, forever, obviously. She then accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation to perform sexual acts upon Bin
|“Bin, I am pripeered to do whatever it takes to git you, Bin.”|
Next up are Ben and Lindzi and they go repelling for the 4th time this season. Before they descend, Ben wonders if this experience overcoming their fears again will bring them closer together again and…..wait for it……wait for it….IT DID! To celebrate, they get in a bubbleless hot tub where Lindzi tells Ben at least three dozen times that she had her heart broken last year. What the f**k happened that was so bad? Did her ex sleep with her entire family? Did he kill her? Again, these are not rhetorical questions, because we have the answers. Lindzi’s ex disrespected Harry Cox, and you don’t disrespect Harry Cox.
|It’s Harry Cox’s world. And we’re all just living in it.|
Ben then hands her the Overnight Card prepared by Chris Harrison. Artistry will be spending this weekend writing up similar cards for Finesse to hand out at the top of the Metro next to the people in Greenpeace windbreakers.
To Whom it May Concern: You’ve come a long way on your journey up that escalator, and if you’ve come this far, maybe you’re willing to go a little bit further. Here is a key to Finesse’s apartment, should you choose to spend the night with him as a couple. Keep in mind, however, that the lock was just replaced on the building entrance, so you’ll have to call his cell phone when you get to the door and he will come let you in. -Artistry.
Ben then goes on a date with Courtney that involves buying Swiss cheese. We expect analogies about how love is like Swiss cheese — there are holes, but the holes are what makes the love unique –but instead Courtney comes off appearing, well, normal. It also appears that they’ve traveled back in time, as there is not another soul in the city, and there are herds of goats wandering aimlessly down the street.
While setting the modern record with her sixth picnic with Ben in only two weeks, Courtney gets her comeuppance. Ben tells her that it is “messed up” the way she acts with the other women. Courtney blames her behavior on trust issues that she has with “not just men, but also women.” She then steals Mitt Romney’s campaign slogan, and declares to Ben that there is “more good than bad.”
When it’s time for Chris Harrison’s Sleep-With-Me Card, Ben throws convention out the window. Rather than convincing her to have sex with him the way most guys would — hey it’s not a big deal let’s just have some fun no expectations seriously like I won’t bother you afterwards no I won’t tell my friends what we do we don’t talk about that kind of stuff — he decides to go full in-love mode, warning her that sleeping with him is a big step, which probably means he is one of those guys who will cry before, during, or after the act, if not all three.
The sneak peek of Emily Maynard’s upcoming season as the Bachelorette hits like Janet Jackson’s nip-slip in Super Bowl XXXVIII: It was a “holy shit” moment that completely overshadowed the rest of the night.
|Holding hands to show solidarity with victims of tragedies.|
Kacie B. returns to demand answers from Ben about why he broke up with her. In sum, Ben tells her that her parents are insane and that he was really concerned about the lack of premarital sex they would be having. Then in the last gasp of a desperate woman, Kacie B. warns Ben that Courtney is wrong for him and that she is in it to win it.
|Hating, verb. The act of traveling thousands of miles to discredit someone; a desperate cry for attention; not even offering time in the Fantasy Suite to prove that you are there for the right reasons like Nicki would have.|
Kacie’s visit throws Ben way off his game until he gets to sit down with Chris Harrison to discuss what happened. Among Chris’s questions:
“What’s going on?”
“I can see you’re conflicted tonight”
“I respect that”
“As you head into this Rose Ceremony tonight, where’s your head?”
Then the Rose Ceremony happens, and as always, it’s worth the wait.
It’s ok, Nicki. Ben can still imagine a scenario where he starts to have thoughts about beginning the process of starting to fall in love with someone who has a lot of the same qualities that you do. And that means the world.