Hot or Not? The Women of GTOG rank the Pittsburgh Penguins

By GTOG Staff

We know this may be the best Penguins team since 1992-93, but is it the best looking Penguins team?  It’s not an easy question.  We’ve been very lucky.

1991 was a very good year.

Each Penguins roster is like a snowflake, unique in its beauty.  There’s really no need to even comment on it, but that won’t stop us.  By popular demand, the Women of GTOG are back to give you our 2011-12 Pittsburgh Penguins Hotness Rankings.  Today we have Artistry’s wife, Artistry’s mom, and a new addition, Finesse’s Aunt.  (Check out their NFL quarterback rankings here). Let’s get right to it, after the jump.

1.  Kris Letang


Mrs. Artistry:  “I think this guy is good looking.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Pretty cute.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “I like him!” [turning to speak to photo] “I really like you!”

Artistry:  “Letang must have paid Finesse to use this picture.”

Finesse: “Don’t argue with my picture choices.”

2.  Chris Kunitz’s hands


Mrs. Artistry:  “Nice hands.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Nice hands.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Are those rose petals?”

Artistry:  “So soft.”
Finesse: “Hands.”
3.  Joe Vitale
Handing out back contusions with his eyes.

Mrs. Artistry:  “I like his eyes.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Pretty nice looking, but too much chin.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “He looks tough.”

Artistry:  “His handsomeness should NOT be on the ice in the last minute of a three-goal game.”

Finesse: “Totally gutless picture.”

4.  Craig Adams

Leader of Handsome Men

Mrs. Artistry:  “He has a nice smile.  Who is this?”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Sweet smile, but has tree trunk neck.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Aww, I like him.” [turning to photo] “You seem really nice.”

Artistry:  “We knew the 4th line would have a strong showing here, but had no idea it would be this strong.”

Finesse: “It’s a bottom heavy lineup when it comes to looks.”

5.  Richard Park

Point man on power play of love

Mrs. Artistry:  “I think he’s handsome.  I’m trying to ignore the dog.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Any guy that likes Labs is ok with me.”

Finesse’s Aunt: [to Richard Park] “Aww, I like you, you seem nice and must like animals.”

Artistry:  “Dick Park, you can be my wingman anytime.”

Finesse: “Aunt, why do you keep talking to the pictures?”

6.  Zbynek Michalek
Shut down pairing

Mrs. Artistry:  “All right.  He looks hot.  Also note he’s not afraid to hold a naked baby.  I feel manipulated.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I like a man holding a baby.  He’s got a nice torso.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “He looks clean shaven.”

Artistry:  “He better grab a diaper.  I’m just saying.” 
Finesse: “I just want to know the circumstances of this picture.  Why was it taken? By whom? Why is it on the Internet?”

7.  Sidney Crosby

Averaging 1.7 points per game in this outfit

Finesse’s Aunt: “I didn’t realize that was Crosby.  He fooled me.  That’s a nice picture.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “I think you’re stacking the deck in his favor.  He looks cute here.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Picture makes him look cuter than he does in person.”

Artistry:  “Mom, you’ve met Sidney Crosby?”

8.  James Neal

Finesse’s Aunt: “Cute! I like him.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Handsome.  He used a little bit of product.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Not bad looking but needs a fashion consultant.”

Artistry:  “Big upgrade over Alex Goligoski.”

Finesse: “It was his first All-Star Game. Have to cut him some slack.”

9.  Evgeni Malkin

Mrs. Artistry:  “That’s my boyfriend.  He looks awesome.”
Artistry’s Mom:  “Man short shorts are unacceptable in any venue (except maybe running track).”

Finesse’s Aunt: [to Malkin] “Where are your pants?” [to Finesse] “Where are his pants?”

Artistry:  “This is how opposing defensemen try to imagine Geno when they feel nervous before the game.”

Finesse: “This picture was taken during the second period of Game 3 of the Carolina series in 2009.”

10.  Deryk Engelland

Mrs. Artistry:  “Potentially fun, like I’d want to have a drink with him.  But I wouldn’t want to make out with him.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He might clean up OK.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Happy! Smiley eyes.  I like him.”

Artistry:  “Really pleased my wife doesn’t want to make out with Deryk Engelland, because I guess I would have to allow it.”

11.  Dustin Jeffrey

Mrs. Artistry:  “Better than average for this group.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He is not a bad looking chap.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “A friendly mugshot!”  Finesse: “You know this isn’t word association, right?”  Finesse’s Aunt: “Oh. All I’ve been seeing is their greasy hair.”

Artistry:  “Never sleep on Dustin Jeffrey.”

12.  Dan Bylsma

Mrs. Artistry:  “He’s a little dorky, but the family helps. It’s the Drew Brees Effect.”
Artistry’s Mom:  “Family men are always a hit with me.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Who’s that?” [told it’s Bylsma] “A nice family man. A good dad.”

Artistry:  “He’s really getting to his family time.  I feel manipulated.”

Finesse: “Gutless family.”

13.  Jordan Staal

Mrs. Artistry:  “Kinda cute.  Nice smile, nice dimples.  Not too bad.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Your tie is crooked.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Do all hockey players have such prominent chins?”
Artistry: “Let me introduce you to Bob Bortuzzo.”

Finesse: “Bob Bortuzzo, bucking stereotypes since 1989.”

14.  Marc-Andre Fleury

Mrs. Artistry:  “I like his personality.  I don’t like his face.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “I am sure his mother thinks he’s cute.”

Finesse’s Aunt: [shaking her head] “No. Not him.” [turning to picture] “You’re ok.”

Artistry:  “I like his game.  I don’t care about his face.”

Finesse: “Artistry, your mother probably thinks you’re cute.”

15.  Matt Niskanen

Mrs. Artistry:  “No.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Not sure he’s hot, but not a bad looking guy.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Be a little friendlier.  He looks mean.”

Artistry:  “Also an upgrade over Goligoski.”

Finesse: “What exactly is Mrs. A saying ‘no’ to?” 

16.  Ben Lovejoy

Finesse’s Aunt: [hysterical laughter] “I’m speechless.  Who are these people? Say their names.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “He looks OK from the one side.”
Artistry’s Mom:  “Facial swelling and ugly gash preclude a fair evaluation.”
Artistry:  “My mother refuses to be manipulated.  (Except by the dog.  And the baby.  And Bylsma’s family.)”
17.  Steve Sullivan

Mrs. Artistry:  “He has kind of a big nose.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Nose broken one too many times.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Cute.”

Artistry:  “His nose is completely normal.  The rest of him is tiny.”

18.  Chris Kunitz

“But look at my hands.”

Mrs. Artistry:  “Eyes are small.  Ears are small.  I would not date him.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Is he flaring his nostrils or does his nose really look like that?”

Finesse’s Aunt: “I don’t have to say anything about their looks, do I?” [turning to picture] “I don’t have anything to say about you.”

Artistry:  “Honey Badger don’t care.”

Finesse: “This is the first time I’ve felt bad about this list. I feel like we’re disrespecting Kunitz.”

19.  Matt Cooke
Mrs. Artistry:  “Wow, big hand.”
Artistry’s Mom:  “Decorative rings are a fashion don’t (I know it’s a hockey ring…still a don’t).”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Cute.” Finesse: “You can say more than one word.”  Finesse’s Aunt: “Ok, so you have a ring. Cool beans.”

Artistry:  “He has kind eyes.”

Finesse: “Artistry’s mom speaking out against Championship rings. That’s bold.”

20.  Todd Reirden

Mrs. Artistry:  “He’s got a very shiny head.  He looks nice.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “He needs powder on his forehead and a neater collar on his shirt.”

Finesse’s Aunt:  [laughing] “I don’t like him.”

Artistry:  “Everything about Todd Reirden says, ‘Don’t fuck with me.'”

Finesse: “Looks like a high school swim coach in this picture.”

21.  Tony Granato

Mrs. Artistry:  “He looks old and a little too angular.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Too much tooth whitening and too much chin.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “I dont like him.  He looks … I cant think of it … the guy from The Office.  He just looks slimy.  What are his looks?  Who is this?”

Artistry:  “I bet Tony Granato could do like 85 pull-ups.”

22.  Paul Martin

The Prime Minister of Love

Mrs. Artistry:  “Doesn’t do it for me.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Low ears.”

Finesse’s Aunt: [to Paul Martin] “You are very young.”  [to Finesse] “He looks like a little baby boy.”

Artistry:  “For the last time, he was never supposed to replace Sergei Gonchar.”

Finesse: “Mrs. A, he doesn’t do it for a lot of people.”

23.  Pascal Dupuis

We can only hope we see this beard in June.

Mrs. Artistry:  “Whoa.  Intense.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Very scary facial hair.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “What are you thinking?”

Artistry:  “His right eyebrow has an 8 game scoring streak.”

Finesse: “Should have finished #1.”

24.  Arron Asham

Mrs. Artistry:  “Is he a Russian?”

Artistry’s Mom:  “It wouldn’t hurt him to smile or get a haircut.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Ugggghh! Do something with that hair! I don’t like that one.”

Artistry:  “I think he just needs to be held.”

Finesse: “What if he was Russian, Mrs. A?  Say it! SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!”

25.  Tyler Kennedy

Mrs. Artistry:  “I don’t like this guy.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Isn’t this flared nostril guy?”

Finesse: “Who is she?” [to the girl] “What are you doing in that picture?”

Artistry:  “No, that’s just his regular nose.”
Finesse: “We’ve all made mistakes.”

26.  Brent Johnson

Mrs. Artistry:  “It’s like he put collagen in his forehead.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Not too bad.  But I am not a fan of the Cro-Magnon brow.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Aw, I like him.” [to Brent Johnson] “You seem nice.”

Artistry:  “One forehead, bro.”
Finesse: “Never noticed that before.”

27.  Brooks Orpik

Mrs. Artistry:  “I’m frightened.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Looks like the Unabomber.”

Finesse’s Aunt: [recoiling] “Wash your hair.”

Artistry:  “Don’t look him directly in the eyes.”

Finesse: “This picture is from Career Day at Frick Middle School last year.”

28.  Eric Tangradi

Mrs. Artistry:  “Who is that?  Is that really his haircut?  I don’t understand.  Look at that hair.”

Artistry’s Mom:  “Poster boy for bad hair.”

Finesse’s Aunt: “Uh, that hair. Is all their hair this greasy?”

Artistry:  “Poster boy for bad player.”

Finesse: “I don’t feel bad about this. Score a goal, please.”

If you missed it the first time around, check out the Women of GTOG’s NFL Quarterback hotness rankings here.

GTOG Playoff Preview starts Tuesday.

[Disclaimer: These ranking are the Women of GTOG’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of GTOG or its sponsors.  It is recommended that you seek independent advice before making any Pittsburgh Penguins hotness ranking decisions.]


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