[Check out the Raw Emotion Podcast here]
Let’s get right to it.
Monday night’s The Bachelorette begins with Emily’s mom bringing Little Ricki and Emily breakfast in bed. As a friend of GTOG put it in a way that really set the tone for the episode, “I don’t want to see her dumb ass mom and daughter.”
Chris, the OK looking guy who Emily thinks is hotter than Brad Paisley making out with Kenny Chesney, gets the coveted climbing date, although in this instance it’s much more of a, “here put this harness on and we will pull you up the side of a building” date. Chris wears a modified v-neck with buttons to give him full control over the depth of the V depending on the situation. He says what we are all thinking: “I think a building is definitely like love.”
Another horrible country band with a singer named Luke Bryan takes the stage. When did it become acceptable for country singers to look like this?
Artistry’s raw notes on the Luke Bryan performance simply say, “drunk on you high on summertime.” That means nothing, yet it means everything. Emily says she has never had a date like that. We’re pretty sure she’s had that exact date at least 6 times, and as recently as last week.
Much more, including some of the best photo-shopping you’ll ever see, after the jump…
Next up is the group date where Emily’s married, less attractive friends get to decide which of these guys they want to throw themselves at. Or as the aforementioned friend of GTOG says, “Look at all these hens clucking around Emily trying to pick up the scraps.” One of the guys wonders when he sees five women waiting for them: “Are we doing manicures?”
While Emily raps with her friends, she dumps a busload of 6-year-olds on the gentlemen with absolutely no explanation of where these kids came from, who they belong to, or why it is advisable to leave them alone with strange men. JEF (much more on him later) missed the memo that the park was for the children.
Here’s all you need to know about the suitors’ interviews with Emily’s friends: Sean, glistening in sweat, tells the cameras that he is “determined to let them know that he is here for the right reasons.” He then removes his shirt, says that his life is centered on faith, and does pushups while being mentally raped by Emily’s repressed blond friend.
At some point on this date, Doug pulls Emily aside and in 30 seconds tells her about his father’s epilepsy, being raised in a foster home, being separated from his sister, and how great he is at being a father BECAUSE DOUG IS THE BEST FATHER OF ALL TIME DON’T YOU DARE TELL DOUG HOW TO BE A FATHER. Huge moment for Doug.
The next what-seemed-like-eternity of the show was consumed with Tony crying about missing his son and, naturally, receiving vigorous, unsolicited, and unquestionable parenting advice from Doug. Tony says that he’s just trying to find love and his kid is not going to understand that. We agree. His kid is not going to understand why he went on The Bachelorette to find love.
Seeking validation from his son that he wasn’t getting from Emily (considering he hadn’t yet met Emily), Tony forces his son to say “yes” to, “Do you love your Daddy?” and “Do you miss me?” Clearly bored, the son obliges.
|“Is Daddy better looking than Sean?”|
While debating whether to leave the show he was going to get kicked off of anyway, Tony calls being on The Bachelorette, “the ultimate sacrifice.” But then he unleashes the line of the season, “At the same time, things were meant to be for a reason.” What a performance by Tony.
Emily strong-arms Tony into leaving the show, but is sad because “I had such high hopes for Tony.” The unedited footage reveals that she went on to say, “I hoped he was funny, or good looking, or charming. He was none of them.” Goodbye. As Emily explains Tony’s departure to the remaining men, ABC repeatedly cuts to shots of Travis, still toting an ostrich egg, nodding vigorously for no apparent reason.
Next up is a trip to Dollyworld with Arie, the Jean-Girard to Ricky Bobby’s Ricky Bobby.
On the roller coaster, Arie tells Emily that she will be ok, because Arie would surely think of something if the roller coaster snapped in half. Then as they are writing what would without a doubt be the world’s most boring love songs, Dolly Parton takes the stage to no one’s surprise but Emily’s. Emily loves Dolly Parton “because she wears costumes every day.” Some of Emily’s other favorite celebrities include:
|The Pirate Parrot…|
|…and The Grand Wizard|
Emily and Dolly discuss Emily’s desire to have an unlimited number of babies. Dolly hopes that Emily finds true love, and then talks about being married for 40 years. Little known fact about Dolly’s husband: he’s an ass-man.
At the cocktail party, Kalon doesn’t wear socks and tells Emily, “I love it when you talk but would you let me finish.” Many have chosen to focus on the rudeness of the “let me finish” part, but let’s focus instead on the “I love it when you talk.” What a compliment. To all the ladies out there interested in Kalon, not only will he let you talk occasionally, there’s also a chance he will love it.
Other than Alessandro saying that he wants to be a gypsy, the highlight of the cocktail party was Emily smashing the ostrich egg that Travis has been carrying around for 3 weeks. Just to make sure I have this right: A grown man brought an ostrich egg onto a reality dating show as a symbol of Little Ricki, vowed to do everything in his power to protect this egg under the rationale that protecting an ostrich egg would prove that he would never let physical harm happen to Little Ricki, which presumes that his main role as Little Ricki’s step father would be to ensure that she isn’t dropped from a height that would cause her to explode, toted this ostrich egg successfully for 3 weeks enduring endless ridicule along the way, then during his first actual conversation with Emily allows her to smash the egg under the agreed-upon premise, “if you love something, set it free?” Got it.
As the Rose Ceremony winds down, it’s between Stevie and someone we’re told is named Nate. What aired on Monday led most people to believe that the final rose went to Nate while Stevie was sent back to the Jersey shore. But our JEF beat writer got the inside scoop on what really happened…
In a shocking twist not aired by ABC, Emily gives out the final rose to…
…her idol, Dolly Parton, who proposes right there on the spot. They immediately go to a nearby field where it becomes daytime and they get married…
JEF is beyond devastated, but vows to never give up on Emily, or his company People Water which provides bottled water to animals.
But soon, Dolly notices that Emily seems distant and detached. She’s going outside to make mysterious phone calls, flying out to L.A. every weekend (or so she says), and sleeping on the couch. A suspicious Dolly finds a ticket stub for a flight to Utah and tries to put on a brave face for the paparazzi as she takes Little Ricki to school…
Dolly confronts Emily, and Emily panics and explains that she has been going to Utah for fertility treatments because she wants to give Dolly a child. And it worked! Emily is pregnant!
Dolly is devastated, but this is a woman who knows what true love is. She quickly finds a new flame.