By Finesse [Follow me on Twitter]
Here are 7 quick thoughts from another unbelievable episode of The Bachelorette. If you missed our Raw Emotion Podcast, make sure to check it out here.
7. Not since Gene Kelly has a man worked an umbrella like Doug
Say what you want about Doug — JUST DON’T SAY IT IN FRONT OF HIS SON GODDAMN IT!!!! — but the man knows how to launch a relentless barrage of “are you OK?” upon a woman who wants nothing more than for him to go home immediately so she doesn’t have to walk on eggshells around him worrying that she will do something to make him cry or, worse yet, do something that may one day make Austin cry when he watches his Daddy cry. And, clearly, there is no one better than Doug at making sure that a woman stays dry.
Almost immediately after Doug surprised Emily with the least passionate kiss the world has seen since Dottie and Jerry Sandusky’s wedding night, Emily dumped Doug. This made Doug feel really stupid. No that wasn’t awkward at all, Doug. No worries.
6. The fact that Wolf’s last name is Wolfner changes nothing
If you’ve been paying attention to GTOG this season, then you know we’ve been completely confused by John’s unilateral decision to nickname himself “Wolf,” and then proceed to be the most boring individual ever to appear on any primetime network television show. You could say that we’ve been on a crusade to get Wolf — a man who attempted to explain that he only comes across as super boring becuase he is super “even-keeled” — to admit that no one calls him Wolf, and that he has never done anything in his life to warrant being called Wolf.
|“When we’re done playing the dot game, maybe we can draw 3-D squares?”|
Well, our newfound knowledge that his last name is Wolfner does not change the analysis. We still believe he nicknamed himself Wolf, no one calls him Wolf, and he doesn’t behave like someone named Wolf should. To his credit, however, he declared, “I’m not a starter, I’m a closer.” Ok, then. Close the door behind you, Wolf Wolfner.
In an attempt to be more shocking, The Bachelorette producers have let the gentlemen get away with murder this season, and it’s ruining the sanctity of the journey. Last week, Arie snuck out to get to second base with Emily in her hotel room. This week, Sean snuck out to run around the streets of Prague chanting “Emily! Emily!” and actually said, I swear, “If I run around the city of Prague and I don’t find her, I’ll be absolutely devastated.” SPOILER ALERT: he found her. Then, to top it all off, Chris interrupts the Rose Ceremony to get that coveted 1-on-1 time with Emily even though Emily canceled the Cocktail Party specifically because she was already so so sure of what she had to do to be true to herself. WHY IS THIS ALLOWED? Chris Harrison is losing control of this show. More on that later.
But back to Sean for a moment. What were the other guys doing in the suite when Sean escaped and started screaming “Emily!!!” that they didn’t notice? Were they applying self-tanner? Was JEF blow-drying?
And after Sean successfully stalked Emily through Eastern Europe, Emily decreed: “There is no one I’d rather see than Sean right now.” Amateurs eat this up. But because you’re with GTOG, you’re no amateur. Let’s parse this. Does she mean “right now,” as in this very second? Does she only think that because Sean is the only person on this dark street in Prague that she knows and the alternative to it being Sean is that it’s some random Czech person screaming her name and chasing her down at night? These are questions we’ll be asking ourselves all week.
4. Emily knows something about Arie; annoys every guy ever in the process
When Emily found out that Arie had what was characterized as a “very very very brief” relationship (we can read between the lines) with a producer, she deployed a tried and true tactic that women have been using for centuries: tell the guy you know a secret, then grind him down into telling you a different secret so that then you know two secrets. Before the show inexplicably stopped taping Emily and Arie’s date, Emily used methods like, “You’re an honest person……..rightttt?” and “You believe in not having aaaaaannnnnnyyyyyyy secrets…….riiiiigggghhhttt?”
But since we missed the culmination and reconciliation, here’s an example of how this stuff plays out in real life.
What the girl is trying to do:
Girl: I know you slept with one of my friends.
Guy: I know, I slept with Rachel, I’m sorry.
Girl: YOU SLEPT WITH RACHEL, TOO?!?!?!?! I was talking about Sarah!!!!
What will actually happen:
Girl: I know you slept with one of my friends.
Guy: What? What do you know?
Girl: Why don’t you tell me?
Guy: Look, I don’t want to play this game. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.
Girl: So you’re saying you didn’t sleep with any of my friends? Is that what you’re telling me?
Guy: I’m not telling you anything, I’m just, like, confused by this whole thing.
Girl: Just tell me.
Guy: I’m not telling you anything, I just…I don’t even know.
Girl: You’re hiding something.
Guy: I’m not hiding anything.
Girl: Then tell me.
Guy: Tell you what?
Girl: That you slept with Rachel?
Guy: Ugggh, fine. I’m sorry, honey. I slept with Rachel.
Girl: YOU SLEPT WITH RACHEL, TOO?!?!?!? I was talking about Sarah this whole time!!!!
3. This Week in JEF
Remember that feeling of dread you had at the beginning of this season when you found out the premier episode didn’t start until 9pm? Take that feeling, change it to excitement, and you’ll feel like JEF felt when he found out he was going to get to do a puppet show with Emily.
After JEF, via his puppet, told Emily, “I really like your nail polish,” he rambled on about how he wants to have a huge family, and hug them, and have them all play games together, and sing together. The seeds are being planted for the JEFferson 5.
2. Don’t over think it.
First point: When someone (Arie) says “I love you” and the response is, “you’ve just made me the happiest girl ever,” and not, “I’m glad you’re letting down your walls,” that someone (Arie) is going to win.
Second point: When Emily says, “I need to go deeper with John,” and then they descend into a dungeon to have dinner, it’s not by accident.
1. The Sixth Sense
I know I’m breaking my “4-walls of the show” vow here, but this is too huge. News reports have started to trickle out that Chris Harrison — the recently separated, newly single Chris Harrison — may have a new love interest.
|[We had an inkling on our episode 1 podcast]|
There have been 16 seasons of The Bachelor and 8 seasons of The Bachelorette. We’ve seen every different type of person on this show (except non-whites), but there has been one constant. One rock. One foundation. Chris Harrison.
You could say that these rumors make him look bad, or that the show loses credibility (lol). But if you believe that, it’s because you haven’t been paying attention. Every season we thought we were following a new Gentleman’s or Lady’s journey. But like a great movie, there’s a twist at the end. Chris Harrison has been The Bachelor all along.