The thing about raw emotion is that it is always raw, even if it is two days late. Due to traveling and the start of NHL season, we were a couple days late with this week’s Bachelor podcast (to say nothing of not having anything last week).
On the podcast we introduce the GTOG spinoff site where we will be housing all of our future entertainment content, including our Bachelor and Bachelorette posts and podcasts. Here’s a hint: you can find it at www.TheBigKibitz.com. Much more to come on this in the next few days.
Below the podcast is a quick segment-by-segment recap. Enjoy, and click here to subscribe on iTunes.
The teaser opens with Sean on a roller coaster, so you have to assume one of these women is afraid of heights and/or had a brother die on a ferris wheel. We also see shots of him doing pec flys without his shirt on, his sweaty back pressed up against the machine. I once worked out topless at my aunt’s condo in Siesta Key and sweated so much over every piece of equipment that they probably called an emergency condo board meeting to fine my aunt. We also see that an ambulance is involved, a woman is on a stretcher, and the other women are praying for her.
1 on 1 with Leslie M.
There are going to be three dates tonight — one group date and two 1-on-1s. In other words, it’s a huge week. Chris Harrison advises the ladies to use their time wisely. The first date card is for Leslie M., the D.C. based political consultant, and asks, “How long will this love last?” Leslie M. wants to “take their relationship to the next level” because “this is what she’s been waiting for.” She may need to dream bigger. Sean takes her to the Guinness World Record Museum on Hollywood Blvd. because “she’s fun to interact with.” We learn that Sean’s dad owns the Guinness world record for “Shortest Amount of Time Driving the Contiguous 48 States” which is the natural byproduct of his other world record, “Having the Least Amount of Things to Do.” If Sean’s dad can’t be dead (which is Sean’s only mistake so far this season) he might as well be into trivial nothingness. Can’t wait ’til hometowns.
To set the world record for kiss length, Sean and Leslie M. kiss for 3 minutes and 16 seconds, during which Leslie M. calls Hollywood Blvd. “one of the craziest places in America.” Does anyone know what this means? During the kiss, Sean gets in like 15 hand-ass brushes, and Leslie M. says this is the best day of her life. GTOG thinks she is a contender: pretty blonde girls in D.C. who work in politics are usually religious and almost exclusively Republican. There’s an 80% chance she’s slept with Tom DeLay and a 30% chance she’s related to him. This is Sean’s wheelhouse. They cap off their date by complimenting how uncomfortable they make each other. Leslie M. tells Sean that he makes her so nervous and he responds, “I’m glad I make you nervous because you made me feel very uncomfortable coming out of the limo.” A Rose for Leslie M….
|….with a side of herpes?|
“Who is going to win my heart?” asks the date card. “Who cares?” asks America. Taryn is part of the group date which depresses me because I find her repugnant to the journey. She is the health club manager who wept during the opening cocktail party for no reason at all, something that should have brought her, and whatever gym she manages, great shame. I despise this woman. I have a hard time watching this show objectively because of it. I also know this is an enormous overreaction on my part.
Sean does pushups with someone on his back while everyone frolics and throws a football around. Chris Harrison shows up at beach wearing long brown pants, reminding America that (to the best of my recollection) we’ve never seen his bare legs. Chris Harrison’s legs are the new Robin Quivers’ breasts. A cutthroat 6-on-6 volleyball game is set up so the winning team gets more time with Sean. Daniella calls it, “literally my worst nightmare.” Taryn is shown on the screen again, and I simply write in my notes, “Karyn again. Really can’t stand this woman.” (Note: I thought Taryn’s name was Karyn for the whole episode). I’m rooting for the team Taryn isn’t on, and a tsunami. Thankfully Taryn’s team loses. Sean says he wanted to spend quality time with them, but he’s also happy to spend quality time with the winning six. This is a meaningless thought. It is revealed that Daniela is wearing a wrap around the bottom of her bathing suit, something someone once told me is a warning sign. At least four of the six losing girls are weeping, indicating they are all crazy or their cycles synced up quicker than usual. Or both.
On the winning date, Lindsay the substitute teacher makes out with Sean and asks, “what more can I ask?” She’ll hang around for a while but is unremarkable. Desiree, the current favorite, gets more time with Sean and displays eye contact far superior to Leslie M. Sean tells someone I don’t know that there is a lot he doesn’t know about her. Join the club.
Desiree doesn’t think Amanda is right for Sean and seems determined to make a fuss about it. This would be disappointing to us if Desiree’s complaint was that Amanda wasn’t there for the right reasons, but note the subtle difference between “not here for the right reasons” and “not right for him” — Amanda may be there for the right reasons, but still not be right for Sean. Desiree clearly knows what she’s doing. Her biggest obstacle now is overconfidence.
Kacie B., whose occupation is listed as “Ben’s season,” decides that she needs to tell Sean something about Desiree and Amanda. What? No idea. Why? Your guess is as good as ours. Kacie B. tells Sean that she doesn’t feel like it is her place to be telling him this, but that this has put her between a rock and a hard place. Sean asks her why she is telling him this. (Still no idea what “this” is). She says she doesn’t know why she’s telling him this. She says she doesn’t want to be the person who tells him this, but at the same time she is stuck in the middle so she has to tell him this. (Still no clue what she has told him). Kacie B. says she’s not a drama person and she’s having a hard time being herself because of this. She says this hurts her because she doesn’t want to hurt either of them. (“This” is still elusive). Sean asks her why she is involving herself in that. (No idea what “that” is, or if “this” and “that” are the same thing). Kacie says she’s asked herself that and that she doesn’t want Sean to think that he is not her focus. “Is this going to be something that bothers you?” she asks. Sean says he just wants her to be Kacie B., not the crazy person she’s being. Kacie says her plan may not be working. YOU THINK?!?!
AshLee, the 32-year-old with the formidable body, is a “personal organizer.” This means she spends her days organizing her personal life, not organizing someone else’s life. Right before AshLee’s 1-on-1, Tierra falls down the steps and hits her head. Cameras don’t catch the fall, but the sound guy earned his bonus by adding what sounded like a sonic boom sound effect to indicate that someone fell. Hysteria ensues in the house while the girls and Sean are praying that Tierra is OK. An ambulance is called and Tierra is put on a stretcher. As soon as she realized that leaving the house is the end of her attention, she pops up from the stretcher like Rod Tidwell in Jerry McGuire.
During the date they go to Six Flags with two young girls with disabilities. It’s a nice moment. AshLee praises Sean’s integrity. Reality Steve texts the two disabled girls for information then writes a 14,000 word post to the “haters.”
AshLee goes to the Scale of Horrible Things early and reveals that she is adopted and was abused at the foster home. She makes a point of telling Sean that it wasn’t sexual abuse. Sean’s favorite band, The Eli Young Band, plays while they dance. What are the chances that Sean’s favorite band wouldn’t be an emo country band? Sean sees no problem with AshLee being adopted. AshLee cries about “immersing herself into the possibility of loving this man for the rest of her life.” I weep when I watch Mario Lemieux’s breakaway goal against the Flyers in the ’97 playoffs.
Classic cocktail party this week: not everyone got time with Sean, so they all need to get time with Sean. Sean takes Sarah out to the driveway to surprise her with her dog. This makes Sarah, the girl with one arm, feel special. Tierra tells Sean that she is embarrassed that she fell; Sean asks Tierra if she “trusts it.” Again with the vague pronouns. Desiree steals Sean from Tierra but then Tierra steals him back. It’s a real back-and-forth cocktail party. Other women are stunned that Tierra is getting a second conversation with Sean. Is this in the rules? Is this even allowed? Desiree tears up about having to play “the game” — you know, The Bachelor game — on The Bachelor. Kacie B. gets interrupted while she apologizes to Sean and is left thinking, “I can only pray that everything works out.” Sean, meanwhile, is praying that he will be led in the right direction by his heart. Dueling prayers. Let’s see what God decides…
DOWN GOES KACIE B.!
God’s plan is that Kacie B. and Sean are better off as friends, as Sean dismisses her before the Rose Ceremony. She says she leaves with no regrets. Maybe because she used them all up during her last comeback?
Drama is manufactured as Sean saves Desiree for the last rose. He calls her “Des” which is a clear signal to the rest of the ladies that this woman is for real. The other losers are Kristy the model and Taryn. YESSSSS!!!!! GOOOOO HOMMMMEEEEEE TARYN!!!!! ENOUGH OF THIS WOMAN ON TV.