By Finesse (follow me on Twitter)
Here’s all you need to know about Desiree: she grew up super-poor. This is important because in the love-predicting business, you have to get inside another person’s heart before you can figure out what it wants. While most Bachelorettes want someone to spend their forever with, Desiree may simply want someone who has an in-unit washer/dryer. Oh, and her brother is psycho.
There are a lot of pressing questions when looking through the field of suitors. Is she going to be impressed by all the attorneys in the group? Is she going to be impressed by all the ex-athletes? Is she going to be impressed by the dozen guys who say The Notebook is their favorite movie? What about by the guy who reads Hoops magazine?
A quick note on the field generally. It’s a lot different from what we’re used to — they’ve really dialed down the shoulder flaps and buttoned breast pockets, and even the average v-neck stops above the nipple line. There’s a guy in a crew-neck t-shirt for God’s sake.
Let’s get into it.
There’s a rumor going around that Ben brings his son on the first episode to meet Desiree. Amateurs will tell you that this is an aggressive, offensive play by Ben to win Desiree’s heart. Bullshit. This is a defensive move by Ben, and it’s admission that he knows he doesn’t have what it takes. The kid is his exit strategy — rather than getting dumped, Ben will leave because “he just can’t stand to be away from his kid any longer” as soon as it becomes clear that no matter how many times she insists it’s cute, she just really doesn’t give a shit about the letter the kid wrote to her.
With all due respect to the fathers out there, it’s enough with the kids on the Bachelor and Bachelorette. This show is about finding someone you want to impregnate, or vice versa; it’s not the Find Little Ricki a Best Friend Hour. If you want to do a show to find your 5 year-old a step-parent, change the name of the show to The Orphan and have a cute kid audition 25 parents and each week culminates with a Booger Ceremony where the kid wipes his snot on the mommys he likes best. And the summer spin-off could be called The Parent, where a woman who desperately wants a kid picks her favorite out of 25 toddlers.
Best-case scenario: Lasts until episode 5 because he’s unthreatening.
Worst-case scenario: Lasts until episode 2 because every single other person on this show is unthreatening.
Likely outcome: In a state of panic before the 4th rose ceremony, he shows Desiree photos he keeps in his wallet of his kids and the dead grandparent the kid is named after. Too little, too late.
Ladies, you’ve been warned. Drew is a psycho and, yes, he will belittle you in public and suffocate you (probably not literally). How are we so sure? Because he laughs at his own internet jokes. The first rule of the internet is that you have to type ‘”haha” after one of your jokes, then it’s not a funny joke. What do you call an Indian gold digger? A grupee. Haha. See?
Best-case scenario: A temporary restraining order.
Worst-case scenario: A permanent restraining order.
Likely outcome: Develops “beef” with someone in the house, mulls over whether or not to tell Des about it, wastes hours of all of our lives thinking about it, tells her anyway on a 2-on-1 elimination date, flies home in a helicopter while back at the mansion the producer takes away his suitcase while the rest of the men exclaim “NOOOO WAAAYYYY!”
Look at what Brad did with the same unfunny rose joke. He just made it, then sold it not with laugher, but with a statement that actually makes you think he may be serious and really like roses. This is something that Desiree will need to explore.
Brad hits the exacta of future embarrassment by mentioning in his profile that he’s a DJ and that he want to dance in the rain. This ensures he will be doing a lot of embarrassing dancing, either coming out of the limo …
… or during some dreadfully boring Walk-Around Date where Brad and Des gawk at local people.
Best-case scenario: There are a lot of questions about this guy, almost all of them about the acid washing of that shirt. Des wants answers.
Worst-case scenario: Fails to stand out from the crowd because there are literally no 27 year-old guys who aren’t DJs at this point.
Likely scenario: He’s a contender for Hometowns.
What a baby. First of all, it’s one thing to not like a food, but if you’re a grown man and can’t stand the smell of something as basic as olives, it means you were and are coddled by your mother. He was probably one of those kids who, when he was 15 months old, had his mom insist to relatives that he would simply refuse to eat strawberries that weren’t cut horizontally. If you grow up in that environment, it leads directly to the second problem, which is his choice in movies. That he hasn’t seen a movie in 25 years is beside the point. The Goonies and The Sandlot are good movies … if you’re 11 years-old. Watch The Sandlot as a grown-up and, if you can make it all the way to the end, you’ll realize it’s not about the beauty of baseball, it’s about a star baseball player who grows up to be a child molester and hides in plain sight.
Best-case scenario: Impresses Des by eating a Mediterranean salad.
Worst-case scenario: Dies trying.
Likely scenario: Des’s maturity is an open question, but you should under no circumstances assume she will be turned off by the cross tattoo in the middle of this guy’s back. Des’s brother probably has a tattoo on his back of a guy with a cross tattoo on his back.
The Notebook? Come on.
Who are the doubters in this guy’s life telling him that he couldn’t do things? Brian, listen, I know this is going to be hard for you, but please stop trying to be a financial advisor in Olney, MD. It’s just not going to happen for you. Brian? LOOK AT ME BRIAN. GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP GODDAMNIT! Oh my god, are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING?!?!?! You can’t do it!!! You can’t make it!!! Get a Master’s online or something, I don’t know, maybe you can do physical therapy? But this financial advisor thing, I’m sorry Brian, it isn’t going to happen. THINK ABOUT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!
Best-case scenario: Forgets to pack that blazer and shirt.
Worst-case scenario: Packs that blazer and shirt.
Likely scenario: Legit contender.
Brooks: What do you think I should wear for this picture?
Brooks’ best friend: How about you dress like it’s 1993 and you’re a French paper boy who just moved to Malibu and bought a jean jacket to fit in?
Brooks’ favorite date is “anything that’s fun and involves conversation.” Did he spend any time on the application? Is he just repeating the question in the form of an answer?
Question 7: What’s your favorite food? Answer: My favorite foods are foods that are my favorite.
Question 14: What do you like to do on your day off? Answer: On my days off I like to do things that I like to do.
Brooks is shaping up to be a hell of a conversationalist.
Best-case scenario: Doesn’t get to have a conversation with Des until episode 3.
Worst-case scenario: Has a conversation with Des on the first episode.
Likely scenario: The likely scenario is the scenario that is likely.
Stovetop directions: Mix 2 cups of Iraq War Veteran with 3 tbsp of ‘Soldier of the Year,’ bake for no more than 2 commercial breaks, then top off with a sprinkling of Memorial Day.
The only thing about his profile that isn’t boring is his eyebrows because they break up his boring face. If his face is a plain white sweater dress from Anthropologie, his eyebrows are the belts you can buy near the register. Take some chances with those things, Chris.
Best-case scenario: LOL.
Worst-case scenario: Gets interviewed.
Likely scenario: At least he only wasted 20 minutes getting ready.
Who does he think he’s fooling with that artificial hairline?
Best-case scenario: Who even cares.
Worst-case scenario: He’s on a group date and it gets windy.
Likely scenario: Week 4-5ish.
Beaches in America are so highly regulated that you can’t smoke or even drink non-diet soda … and this guy is riding horses there. In Brazil, do people just take their horses to the beach? Or is he planning on moving to Assateague Island? And hypothetically, let’s say you lived in a place where you’re allowed to ride horses to the beach … can you think of a worse form of transportation to and from the beach? Ok, I’m in this wet bathing suit filled with sand and it’s 90 degrees out. Let me just sit on the back of this horse and ride for 15 minutes back to the condo. Mmmmm, this feels nice. Doesn’t itch at all. That? No, that’s not a rash, just probably a weird reflection from the sun. I don’t know. Oh … ‘honey, did you put the sand shovel back in the basket?’
Best-case scenario: Travels back in time to 1874 and moves to Florida.
Worst-case scenario: Des sees the ‘Blessed’ tattoo on his left bicep.
Likely scenario: Maybe a week.
Best-case scenario: Chris Harrison changes the premise to a Royal Rumble.
Worst-case scenario: HGH testing.
Likely scenario: Top 8.
This guy earned my respect by having the guts to wear a crew-neck t-shirt. He’d be safer wearing a ‘FREE THE IRS’ t-shirt to a prayer group at Mitch McConnell’s plantation.
Best-case scenario: Could win.
Worst-case scenario: 26 year-old attorney + 3 months of free time to film The Bachelorette = doesn’t have a job. Remember what Des is looking for.
Likely scenario: Coasts to Hometowns, as good a chance as anyone to win.
Juan Pablo is a Venezuelan soccer player who loves dancing and has a tattoo. What are the chances the tattoo is a Star of David?
Soccer is great and all (soccer is not great), but the problem for Juan Pablo is that putting on an old soccer uniform just doesn’t have the same wooing powers as putting on an old baseball uniform. If this show has taught us one thing, it’s that you could wear a suit made out of cash and it still wouldn’t have the power of a minor league baseball uniform.
Best-case scenario: There are no ex-baseball players on the show.
Worst-case scenario: THIS GUY:
Here we go, our ex-low-level baseball star. Zack K. would be most-likely to carry the RoberTOrch, except for one fatal flaw: He only left one shirt button unbuttoned. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZACK K.?!?!
You can’t make mistakes like that.
Best-case scenario: Epic 2-on-1 elimination date with Juan Pablo where they each put on old sports uniforms and fight. Unfortunately, unless Carmelo Anthony is involved, it’s impossible to stage a softer fight than a fight between a baseball player and a soccer player. Plus James will be lurking.
Worst-case scenario: Doesn’t realize what an asset the old uniform is.
Likely scenario: Top 3-5 potential.
Because you can’t do a season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette without the androgynous name Kasey. And because no fewer than 10 of the 25 guys can list Kings of Leon as their favorite band.
There’s a level of entitlement with this guy that makes him likely to be the Black Swan. He likes churro style French toast and waffles. Do you think that when Desiree was growing up in destitution that she had the gall to demand churro style French toast?
Best-case scenario: Desiree doesn’t realize that he’s there for the wrong reasons.
Worst-case scenario: A rapidly aging ex-contestant sends Desiree a cryptic text message before the show to say that Kasey is there for the wrong reasons.
Likely scenario: Kasey is there for the wrong reasons.
Just when you thought The Bachelorette couldn’t get any whiter, they give us Larry, the glasses-wearing, touch-of-gray-having ER doctor from Kansas who majored in philosophy and theology at Notre Dame.
Instant poll question: What’s more likely to happen, Diogo and Des ride horses on the beach more than once or Larry gets buried alive?
Best-case scenario: Top 3
Worst-case scenario: Top 4
Likely scenario: Say hello to your next Bachelor.
Ding Ding Ding! Oh, sorry, I forgot to explain the rules: We ring a bell when we find our first Jewish contestant.
The only party Micah is starting with a shirt buttoned up that high is the Tea Party.
Best-case scenario: Could get to Hometowns.
Worst-case scenario: Gets to meet Des’s brother.
Likely scenario: Will probably last more weeks than we are willing to watch this season.
A pop-up ad for adult diapers came across while I was screen-shotting his profile. Lots of respect for Michael G’s subtle signal to people who don’t wax their chest.
Best-case scenario: Wins.
Worst-case scenario: Doesn’t win.
Likely scenario: One of those things.
If we’re experts in anything, it’s in the field of using slashes, and what Mike R.’s profile is telling is NOT that he is a model and a dental student. It’s telling you that he’s a dental student … and a dental model. Look at those teeth! They’re whiter than Larry.
Mike R. and Micah can’t win because they’re not ambitious. They both say they’re “students” — that may be technically accurate, but who cares about accuracy? Two seasons ago, Ashley the Bachelorette just flat-out said she was a dentist despite still being in dental school. She didn’t give a shit. Mike R. and Micah care too much.
Likely scenario: Somewhere in the top-8.
Much like how the first 90 minutes of Goon was a buildup to the fight between Liev Schreiber and Sean William Scott, the only way for this season to end is for Mikey T. and James to chest-wrestle for the Final Rose.
Who gives a shit about this guy? Can’t even get through a photo-shoot without the white guy overbite.
Was tailoring not working so he got into magic? Or was magic not working so he got into tailoring? Admitting that you’re 5’9 with a size 10.5 shoe basically means you’re 4 feet tall and have babyfeet. Hopefully he’s good at magic.
Best-case scenario: He can pull a better guy out of his hat.
Likely scenario: Does some weird rose trick coming out of the limo.Has no Plan B.
Probably not even necessary to say it.
His favorite food section reads like the marquee at a shitty carryout restaurant.
Why not just list “dinner” as your favorite food and be done with it.
Best-case scenario: Week 4.
Worst-case scenario: Week 1.
Likely scenario: There’s a better chance of Desiree exclaiming, “OMIGOD I subscribe to Slam magazine, too!!!!” than there is of this guy winning.
Sick lean, bro. I like his profile, though I wish questions like “what is your ultimate date?” left a little more room for creativity in the answers.
Best-case scenario: A chiropractor reaches out to him.
Worst-case scenario: Does something memorable in a bad way.
Likely scenario: Bye.