Juan Pablo was like the sixth runner up on last season of The Bachelorette and said maybe eleven words the entire time, only three of which were about his daughter. This was a huge problem — if you have a daughter, you come on this show with your daughter’s guns blazing. As soon as you get out of the limo you give Des a macaroni necklace, then you force Des to look at pictures of your daughter from the last six Halloweens, then you give Des a video of your daughter’s birth and a framed copy of the birth certificate, then you read Des the letter that your daughter wrote to her, and then you get your daughter on Skype and have her read Des the addendum to her previous letter. Then … and only then … do you give Des a hug and say, “I’ll see you inside, I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.”
Juan Pablo did none of these things, and for that, we enter the Juan Pablo era with deep skepticism. Seriously, does Juan Pablo have any heartbreak, and if not, can he get some before Sunday night?
But The Bachelor is not actually about The Bachelor. It’s about the Ladies, and here are some of the ladies we’re watching out for…
Let’s not bury the lead here — Alexis is going to win. As her profile indicates, she has an Abuela and Abuelo and that’s enough for us. The only way she could be more of a lock is if she had a dead Abuela or Abuelo. If she had a dead Abuela AND a dead Abuelo? Forget about it.
(NOTE: we avoid spoilers like the plague, so this prediction is based only on our emotion).
Alexis’ victory will be earned not just because she is the best-looking contestant, not just because she is Cuban and he is Venezuelan, and not just because her favorite book is the Bible (“I like to draw myself a warm bath, light some candles, and dive deep into Ecclesiastes 2:24,” reads her Cube-Date profile). She will win because of compatibility.
According to her comprehensive bio, she hates it when her date “only talks about himself.” Juan Pablo never talks about himself! He barely said a single word last season and didn’t mention his daughter until at least the sixth week. He might not have even known he had a daughter until the sixth week.
Is America ready for a Cuban winner? The better question is whether a Cuban winner is ready for the American media.
Full disclosure: No idea whether Alexis is Cuban other than the reference to Abuelas and Abuelos. All we know is that Cuba-Venezuela relations are warming (according to Wikipedia, not actual research).
Although she cannot last more than two episodes, she may have the most lasting impact of anyone on the franchise, as she capitalized “He” when talking about J–n P—o as if He were G-d.
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On looks and name (unconventional, slightly pretentious) she’s definitely a contender, but trust us when we tell you that being an attorney is an enormous disadvantage when it comes to winning The Bachelor.
Logic and reason will tell you that you can’t fall in love with someone after only three cocktail parties and two group dates involving 9 other women and some combination of repelling, kayaking and/or spelunking; but try telling that to Clare, the 32 year-old hairstylist, as she borrows Juan Pablo from you at the second cocktail party to tell him, “This is it for me. I really feel like this is it for me.”
Logic and reason will tell you that chairs and tables are much more comfortable than picnic blankets; try telling that to Lucy, the 24-year old Free Spirit, as she laughs maniacally, knits herself a dress made out of the picnic blanket, and does a snow angel in the grass atop a plateau above the fjords of Switzerland because she is so spontaneous.
Logic and reason will tell you that in real life, no one has a favorite flower; but try telling that to Kylie, the 23-year old whose favorite flower is the snapdragon and is on the show because her name starts with a K, who, during her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo, gives Him her late grandmother’s broach and says, “this was my grandmother’s broach. She died. We spread her ashes in a field of snapdragons. I want you to have this.”
Ashley was asked:
If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
My soulmate, a machine that turns salt water into drinking water, and an unlimited amount of flint. All I would need…my love, water, and the ability to make fire to cook.
Do the rules of the desert island game allow you to bring unlimited anything? Do you bring it all at once, or on a delivery schedule? Or is it like winning Subway for life, where the fine print says you actually only get a sandwich once a week? But more importantly, WHY UNLIMITED FLINT AND NOT UNLIMITED MATCHES OR A LIGHTER??!?!!? That’s like bringing unlimited dial-up Internet.
If the last two members of the Bachelorettis Chantellius species were any indication, we’re in for a hell of a ride with Chantel. She carries with her the hopes and dreams of all the young Chantals, Shawntells, Chauntelle, Sean-Tells, and Shauntels yet to come. Her extremely bland questionnaire responses should not throw you off. Her name is Chantel and, therefore, she’s built to last.
What’s the best trip you have ever been on and why?
I went to Mexico with all of my cousins/aunts/uncles and grandparents. We had so much fun but what I remember most was going off the resort and giving toothbrushes/clothes/teddy bears to very poor villages. It taught me at a young age to be very grateful and the joy of helping others.
Translation: “By spending a day/morning/afternoon handing out toothbrushes to the locals/natives/people whose breath stink, my uncle/father’s brother was able to have his charity pay for our mission/adventure/vacation.”
And while I think we can all respect Chelsie’s boldness in expressing a preference for hot weather over cold weather, one must ask oneself whether along the journey to be the temporary step mother of Juan Pablo’s baby, having a preference for hot or cold weather is really a dealbreaker one way or the other.
As Juan Pablo leads Chelsie into the Fantasy Suite and they are on the cusp of intimacy, is Juan Pablo’s final inquest before descending into biblical knowledge of Chelsie going to be her temperature preference? Mi amor, there is but one detail I must come to know before I come to know you, so to speak. What is the outdoors that you like the best ehhh …. howyousay … hot or cold?
All of which leads to our new business venture– which I will be going on The Bachelorette to promote — Bachelor Application Consulting. Five tips for answering hard questions like temperature preference:
5. When asked “What is your favorite food?” DO NOT LIST A SNACK FOOD. That is an entirely different and unreleated question and you’re better off not mixing the two. Do not name a specific dish — list categories of food to show that you are both cultured and adventurous. “Seafood” or “Italian” are acceptable answers. A better answer is: “I love Spanish cuisine though I’m willing to try anything with my lover who is also my best friend.”
4. When asked, “Hot or cold,” either “Hot” or “Cold” are acceptable answers, so long as it is acceptable to you not to win. If you want the final rose, you’ll respond, “I’d love to be snuggled up in a ski lodge with only my lover (who is also my best friend) to keep me warm. 😉 xoxo”
3. Don’t spend a lot of time worrying about your answer to the question, “What is your occupation?”
2. If you really don’t want to swim with sharks, don’t mention that you’re afraid of sharks.
1. And finally, in response to “What is your favorite holiday?,” don’t say any of the Jewish ones.
Christine is a police support specialist in Miami, which means that she’s really good at using Ancestry.com. If you’ve ever watched the show Cops, the key to solving any crime is not surveillance or forensics: it’s figuring out the names of people’s cousins. The typical exchange after the cop pulls a bag of cocaine out of the suspect’s pocket:
Cop: Are these your drugs?
Cop: Well whose drugs are they?
Suspect: I don’t know.
Cop: But they were in your pants pocket.
Suspect: I don’t know how they got there.
Cop: You don’t know how the drugs got in your pants?
Suspect: These aren’t my pants.
Cop: Well whose pants are they?
Suspect: My cousin’s.
Cop: Your cousin? Well who is your cousin?
Suspect: I don’t know.
Cop: You don’t know your cousin’s name?
Cop: Well how’d you get his pants?
Suspect: He just gave them to me.
Cop: Your cousin, who you don’t know, gave you his pants?
Suspect: Yep, he just gave them to me.
Cop: Well when did he give them to you?
Suspect: I don’t know.
Ahh, Christy. So young, so naive, so unwise to not spell her name Kristie. Look, there are some people who are ready for the journey and there are some people who sign up for a TV show because their favorite snack is “Apples and Peanut Butter,” their three best attributes are “Loyal, Street Smart, Always thinking of others before myself” and they think that America just wants to see them flaunt their Capitalization. Well Christy is in for a rude Awakening because winning on this show is about having a backstory, like watching a friend Get killed by a falling tree, not simply hoping to get the Blessing because you have Christ in your name and implants.
Kelly’s occupation is “Dog Lover.” That’s like saying your occupation is “I love spaghetti with meat sauce.”
Lauren H., who shares an overbite with President Bartlet and is as believable in claiming she’s 25 as Kelly is in claiming her favorite food is steak, describes her ideal date as follows: “Dinner and drinks on a patio by the water, listening to a good band and feeling like I am with my best friend.” This is why she’s a contender — she dreams of things that WILL happen on the show. She might as well have said, “My dream date is having a camera crew follow me onto a helicopter while my date and I gasp at waterfalls and I rub his forearm and look down the depths of his pale pink v-neck while Daniel Powder plays a single from his new album, in store and available on iTunes January 28th.”
We are big proponents of coming onto the show with Walls down, but Lauren S. takes it perhaps a bit too far when she openly talks about farting in her profile. Everyone knows there are two iron clad rules on The Bachelor: you say “I love you” in Week 5, and there’s no farting until the Fantasy Suite.
And here’s the weirdo contestant who does something awkward during her first meeting with Juan Pablo, like swinging in on a bamboo rope and then eating the bamboo and writing the Indian word for meditation on Juan Pablo’s forehead in Huckleberry ink.
Can you be a very ambitious “Free Spirit?” Does she compete against other Free Spirits for the title of Freest Spirit? Is it cutthroat? Who does this bitch thinks she is coming in here doing nothing?! I’ll do less than her! No one is better than me at doing nothing. I will literally just sit here doing absolutely nothing!
Other than looking like she separated her eyelashes during an earthquake, there’s a lot to love about Renee. Relationships are about making sacrifices, and we have no doubt that Juan Pablo will sacrifice his career as a former pro soccer player to help his wife pursue her dream of starting a family and becoming a fighter pilot in her late thirties.
Sharleen is savvier than she looks. From her profile:
If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why?
Listen. People don’t do it enough.
Sharleen is onto something here because we surveyed 100 men on how a woman can impress them and 94 of them answered, “by being quieter.”
We kid, we kid.
As always, thanks for being here, and starting Monday night, make sure to check back after each episode for the Raw Emotion Podcast.